The title is more to catch your eye than anything…

Have you met that girl? You know the one. Her life’s dream is to get married. She talks about everyone around her behind their backs when they are engaged. She laughs and smiles in their presence.

This is a description of a young lady that I work with. For anonymity’s sake, her name will be Stacy.

Stacy was with her ex-boy friend Josh for together for many years. She learned after they bought a house together that he did not want to get married and did not want to have kids. These both being very important things to her.

She since has tried playing the field to make him jealous. She even says how much she wants him back but he has to change. Stacy now admits that she broke up with him as a “threat”.

What’s even worse is that she is dying to settle down and it looks as though this is a race to the alter.

My question is why? Stacy is only 26. But this seems to be the thought process of a lot of women. We seem to have this timeline in our heads that must be met. Ok, I admit that I ‘had’ one too…but that was back in high school! Why now? Why as adults are we willing to just settle for the next man that comes along? Or, in Stacy’s case, settle for the man that we don’t necessarily want but, he’s ‘convenient’…

Let me know what you think.

Do you believe in love at first sight? Disbelievers may have to think again because new research shows it only takes half a second to decide if someone is attractive and if someone could be a potential mate. The research looks a physical attractiveness and how we perceive someone as attractive or how we perceive someone as being attracted to our mate. It was found that people fixate on someone’s face before sizing them up for mate possibility. The study used college students as their base. The students were shown pictures of very attractive or average-looking people for one second before being asked to look at something else. The researchers then measured the students’ reaction time. There discovery was that it takes just a second to determine if someone is attractive to you or not.

The students in committed relationships who viewed the pictures were interested in attractive members of the same sex. These students were marked as those who were jealous of and worried about guarding their mates

The study also showed the pitfalls of visual fixation, including negative effects on self-esteem when looking at an attractive person of the same sex. The negativity could be linked to illnesses such as bulimia. Another pitfall is that people may become less satisfied in their current relationships.

Long distance relationships require a special willingness and understanding that can test love like no other type of relationship can. It requires constant communication and a desire to continually create your relationship, using the only real tool you have… your words. Make sure you communicate all of your feelings. Words can be lost in translation via text messages or e-mail. Make sure to take time and communicate as if you were face-to-face.

If phones — or long-distance minutes are not readily available – try a virtual date. Play a game … or a few … over the internet.

If you have a lot of phone minutes (or just start after 7 p.m. when minutes are free), rent a movie “together” and watch it at the same time and share your comments over the phone.

Make gifts for each other. Nothing extravagant…but something that will tell him/her that it is from the heart. One idea is little notes or sayings of “I Love You” in different languages.

At what point does the “Player” give up the game?

….Actually never. The reason I say this is because the game never ends. I always figured that by the age of 30 I would be settled down. Maybe have a couple little Bams running around the house. All that kind of mushy stuff.
When I was 20 I lived like I knew tomorrow wasn’t going to be an option for me. In other words I had a lot of fun. My subconscious understood that I was basically getting all the shit out of my system now, so that when the time came for me to act like I had some kinda’ sense I’d be ready.
But now I still feel like I’m not ready. A lot of it has to do with issues that I have within concerning relationships. But way too much of it has to do with the games that women play. And I don’t mean little girls who don’t know any better. But I mean grown ass women.
Why am I still dealing with issues that I was dealing with ten years ago? Some women are gone in the head. And the scary part about it is that the great majority of them have no clue. Now this same gone in the head female is a mother. Damn. I’m glad it’s not mine.
I’m scared of the thought of having a baby’s mama. No Good.
So I’ve taken another route to dating…..Being honest.
Don’t ask what you don’t want the real answer to.
Many pros and cons to being honest. But the hardest part is hoping that the young lady on the other end is on the same page. Most of the time they are not.
I wish that more people in the world thought like me. Who doesn’t. But that’s not the case. So before I go out on the weekend (which is rare), I have to get myself all pumped up to play. It reminds me of when I played football. I had to go thru a ritual to get myself ready to go into battle. It’s just now the battle is on a whole other playing field.
It’s all a game. Of course there are different objectives and rules. But it’s still a game.
I have buddies that are in their 30s and it’s still a big game for them. Some of them already have women, married or not. But they still feel the need to play. I think it makes us feel good to know that we can still be dominant MEN. And on the other hand ladies still feel the need to test if they still got it. These test come in the form of games.
If I see you in a club and we make eye contact, the game begins. I don’t want to play. But if I wanna get what I want. I have to. It’s not an option.
But I’m tired of it. I should be able to say hey, “I just wanna fool around. If something more happens, then we’ll see what’s up.” And she should be able to be down with it or kick me to the curb.
But because women deal with so many weak ass men who can’t handle the truth, then they don’t learn how to speak it when necessary. That’s another story.
I just wish I could find a real woman, without any issues (yeah right). Until then I’ll keep playing the game. But when I play. I play to win…..

People need to love and be loved. Yet many people have trouble doing so. This is by no means an exhaustive list…but it is a start.

1. Choose a partner wisely and well.
We are attracted to people for all sorts of reasons. One could be that they remind us of someone from our past. Another that they spend money on us — buying gifts and making us feel important. Evaluate a potential partner as you would a friend; look at their character, personality, morals, their generosity of spirit, the relationship between their words and actions, their relationships with others (family is important).

2. Know your partner’s beliefs about relationships.
Different people have different outlooks on relationships. And please believe that this can sometimes be conflicting. You don’t want to fall in love with someone who expects lots of dishonesty in relationships; they’ll create it where it doesn’t exist.

3. Don’t confuse sex with love.
Men are especially good at differentiating this. Especially in the beginning of a relationship, attraction and pleasure in sex –aka lust– are often mistaken for love.

4. Know your needs and make sure they are heard.
A relationship is not a guessing game. Men and women fear stating their needs and as a result, their partners are left clueless. The latter result is disappointment and possible anger at a partner for not having met their “unstated” needs. In order to become close as a couple, you must be honest with one another…please remember that your partner is not a mind reader.

5. View yourselves as a team.
A team brings people together with a goal. They may have a different perspective or strengths, but they continue pressing forward to teach and learn together.

6. Know how to respect and manage differences.
This is the true key to a successful relationship. Disagreements don’t end relationships however, name-calling does. Learn how to handle the negative feelings that may arise from the differences. Stonewalling or avoiding conflicts is NOT managing them.

7. Communicate.
If you don’t understand or like something your partner is doing, ask about it and why he or she is doing it. Talk it out, don’t assume.

8. Solve problems as they occur.
Don’t let anger simmer. Most of what goes wrong in relationships can be traced to hurt feelings. This can lead to walls being built and eventually breaking the relationship…or creating enemies.

9. Learn to negotiate.
Modern relationships no longer rely on roles. Couples should create their own roles. Every decision should be though through and negotiated by both parties. Because people’s needs are fluid and change
over time, and life’s demands change too, good relationships are negotiated and renegotiated all the time.

10. Listen — truly listen– to your partner’s concerns and complaints without judgment.
Much of the time, just having someone listen is all we need. It opens the door to confiding, confiding to trust and trust to a better outlook. Empathy is crucial especially in understand things from your partner’s perspective.

11. Work hard to maintain closeness.
Closeness doesn’t happen by itself. In absence, people drift apart and are susceptible to affairs. A good relationship isn’t an end goal; it is a lifelong process maintained via regular attention.

12. Take a long-range view on life together.
A marriage is an agreement to spend a future together. Check out your dreams with each other regularly to make sure you’re both on the same track. Update your dreams regularly!

13. Never underestimate the power of good grooming.
Enough said.

14. Sex is good. Pillow talk is better.
Sex is easy, intimacy is difficult. Intimacy requires honesty, openness, self-disclosure, fears, sadnesses as well as hopes and dreams.

15. Never go to sleep angry.
Trust me, you don’t want the spat to continue in the morning. Try steps 8 and 10 again.

16. Apologize.
Anyone can make a mistake but repairing that mistake is crucial. Apologies can be clumsy, funny, even sarcastic—but willingness to make up after an argument is central to every happy relationship.

17. Some dependency is good, but complete dependency is bad.
We’re all dependent to a degree — on friends, close family members, partners — and men have just as many dependency needs as women.

18. Maintain self-respect and self-esteem.
It’s easier for someone to like you and to be around you when you like yourself. Research has shown that the more roles people fill, the more sources of self-esteem they have. Get out and volunteer or join a committee at work. Make sure to be SURE of yourself.

19. Enrich your relationship by bringing into it new interests from outside the relationship.
The more passions in life that you have and share, the richer your relationship will be. It is unrealistic to expect one person to meet all of your needs in life.

20. Cooperate.
Share responsibilities. Relationships work ONLY when they are two-way streets. You must give as well as take.

21. Be spontaneous.

22. Keep up with your health.
Exercise…this ties in with number 18 as well. When you look better, you feel better.

23. Recognize that all relationships have their ups and downs.
You cannot be on “cloud 9″ all the time. No relationship is perfect. Working together through the hard times will make the relationship even stronger.

24. Make good sense of a bad relationship.
Examine it as a reflection of your beliefs about you. Don’t just run away from a bad relationship. You’ll either run straight into another bad one or turn your anger onto your next partner. Use it as a mirror to look at yourself. Understand what part of you is creating this relationship. Change yourself before you change your relationship.

25. Understand that love is not an absolute.
Love is not a limited commodity that you’re in of or out of. You must learn how to treat one another. If you learn new ways to interact, the feelings can come flowing back, often stronger than before.

I am always surfing the net tyring to find information to help the broke/cheap romantic.

I ran across these cute ideas to celebrate your love on a budget:

My best anniversary idea was actually one I suggested to a friend for her first anniversary with her boyfriend. I told her to get a big piñata and fill it with her boyfriends favorite chocolates, confetti, streamers, rose petals and other fun stuff. The next thing to do was to write 12 reasons why she loves him (12 for the number of months they’ve been together) on pieces of cardstock and put them in the piñata too. She could then blindfold her boyfriend and get him to try to hit it. When it breaks open he will be showered with all the things that were inside it!

My girlfriend LOVES Hershey’s kisses. So I bought a couple of big bags and counted out 101 of them (and ate any spares!). Next I cut out 101 small card heart shapes, which I then wrote 101 things I love about her on. For example, I love the way your eyes seem to shine when you smile, I love the way your lips taste, +99 more. A first I thought maybe I’d bitten off more than I could chew, and wondered if id make it to 101. But if you keep a small notepad with you in the day, you can jot down any ideas. Just remember special moments you’ve shared and favorite things to do together and hopefully you’ll get there.
I then glued each heart to the base of each kiss and placed them all in a confetti filled box with a card on the top reading: “101 kisses for 101 things I love about you!” She loved it, but refused to ever eat them as they looked too good to eat.

They say women like the bad boys. The guy that keeps us up crying in the middle of the night because we have no idea where they are. The guy who’s cell phone we wish we could check when it buzzes at all days and times of night. The guy who drinks too much and then stumbles into the house. Ladies, why do we do it to ourselves?

In the news recently, have been Amy Winehouse and Kate Moss. Both whose friends and families are hurt and upset because of their choices in men. Allegations recently have been that Amy’s new husband (of 3 months) has gotten her into drug abuse. Despite this, she remains loyal to him, refusing to go into rehab unless he accompanied her. Kate’s boyfriend has one foot in jail and the other out. These women make you want to bang their heads together. What is it about such highly successful women, who you’d think could have their pick of the fish in the sea that keeps them running back to such men? Neither women are stupid. But are both men equally smart? They both have something to gain from their famous significant others…

Could the appeal of these relationships be that they are so painful and destructive? Psychologists might agree that such cases are part of acting out of deep rooted self-hatred. People who engage in these types of relationship as a form of self-punishment do so usually in response to a notion of perceived personal failure. The fact that Kate and Amy are rich, talented and famous doesn’t matter - maybe, deep down, they don’t think they are worth being treated like a princess (every girl dreams of it…).

One way for women in such relationships to be able to remove themselves wholly from this situation is to address their underlying self-esteem issues through psychotherapy. This can be a long, drawn-out process and it’s frequently too painful for people to address what they have spent so long burying.

It’s no coincidence that both Amy and Kate have been associated with other self-destructive behaviors, such as alcohol or drug misuse. Their thought process is such that if someone else isn’t hurting them, they do it to themselves. These kinds of relationships are often also associated with co-dependency, whereby one person enters into a tumultuous relationship with another which they then become consumed by, rather than address their own problems.

This is a lesson for us all. We can never find someone suitable to love until we start to love ourselves. Maybe this is a lesson that we need to reiterate to both Amy and Kate. At this point, all their friends and families can do is hope this happens before things get any worse for them.

You ever had a crush on someone that you work with? Of course you have. Who hasn’t? But how do you deal with this? As a man, I understand that the ego is a huge issue when dealing with anything pertaining to the opposite sex.
Just recently I had a crush on a beautiful co worker. She works in another department. And my female buddy in that department did a little probing for me. Come to find out she was single, really sweet, and she was asking about me as well. We would give each other the eye as we passed each other. It seemed like we were both searching for reasons to be in the copy room at the same time. All the little signs that someone is waiting for you to make that first move. So after 3 days of playing, I made that move. We could never find the time or space to be alone long enough to talk. So I emailed her.
I basically told her that I know that she knows nothing about me, and I don’t know her. But I figured that it was worth a shot to ask her out. So I did.
Now granted I understand all the issues that come into play when dealing with someone you work with. But I work in the film industry. A lot of times we work jobs for months, weeks, or even days at a time. So it’s a lot of work hard play hard cause you don’t get the chance to spend much time with the people you like. Many of them are not locals. This was the same situation.
Well….She shot me down. It was really nice how she did it. But I was shocked. Honestly. Still am, a little. In her email response she speaks about not being ready to get into a relationship and all this other crap. I just asked her out. Didn’t mention a thing about sex or a relationship. Just hanging out. I was like what the hell was that all about.
Then one of my other female co-workers told me that I was moving too fast. And I came off kinda creepy. I’m supposed to “play the game.” She told me.
W.T.F.? I’m 30 years old. I don’t play games.
I responded to her email just saying that it’s good and I respect the fact that she was honest. But I still think she’s attractive. And I won’t start acting awkward or anything. It’s good.
But now all of a sudden she can’t look me in the eye. She acts freaked out when I come around. All kinds of weird stuff. But I’m the creepy one.
Oh well. I guess that’s why I like older women. For the most part they don’t play games. But she’s my age so I thought things would be different. Wrong!!!!
I’ve not followed though on other opportunities to date other women that I’ve worked with. And they were upset with me. Hell, I’m confused.
But you win some and you loose some.
What can you do?
Ladies tell me something…………….

Black Men & White Women

Wow. Where do I begin? I am a black man. And yes I am attracted to white women. But I’m attracted to all kinds of women. All shapes, sizes, skin tones, etc. I have dated outside of my race on numerous occasions. But what I have discovered is that I personally can’t see myself being married to a white woman. Yes love is blind, blah, blah, blah. But with my mentality I feel like I would have to be with a person that lives in my world and understands the everyday struggles I deal with.

My ex was a white girl. And we had quite a few discussions about her not being able to do things when we were together that she can do when she was alone or with her white friends. But that’s a blog all on his own. What I’m trying to say is that we (whites and blacks) can be in the same city yet different worlds.

I sometimes wonder if brothers who do settle down with white women are somehow compromising themselves. What I mean by that is that black people in America are the most stripped race of people on the planet. We have had our history stripped. The great majority of us have no sense of history. We’ve been trained to hate each other, whether we realize it or not, etc, .etc. So on top of that to be with someone who has never had to learn anything about black culture doesn’t seem like it would make black culture better.

Now I’m not saying that it’s the duty of every married black man to put black culture on his back. Or is it?

I have so many thoughts on the subject I could write for days. But I want to know how you all feel about interracial relationships, especially those between black men and women outside of the black race.

Please respond…..

How can you charm a woman? Do they like a daily check-in phone call? Does she secretly wish you’d text her in the middle of the day for no reason but to make her smile? Do they prefer expensive dinners to home-cooked meals? Rock-hard abs? Flowers for no reason?
Identifying women’s turn-ons is complicated, because they all react differently. Some women you wish came with owner’s manuals so you knew exactly how they were wired. Luckily, I’ve done most of the legwork for you and am happy to pass this knowledge on to you.
Top 10 ways to charm a woman

1. Be aware. This means cracking open more than the sports section on the daily paper. Be up on current events and learn the difference between feelings, emotions and thoughts. Women are emotional beings and tend to think things through.
“They are attracted to men who are as smart or smarter”
They are attracted to men who are as smart or smarter than them, and your knowledge of worldly matters will demonstrate your intelligence.
2. Demonstrate humor. Women love a man who can make them laugh. Now don’t fret here if you’re not a stand-up comedian. We all have a certain type of humor. You can be dry, sarcastic, hilariously funny, quick-witted or dark. Being able to poke fun at yourself and just plain old being goofy is a turn-on for women. Keep in mind that all women are not attracted to the same type of humor, so if you don’t vibe, just walk away and try someone else.
3. Have passion. A guy who lives his life with gusto is incredibly appealing. When you speak to a woman about your life, your travels, your job, your interests, speak with passion. That passion about who you are will turn her on instantly. She will start to imagine what it will be like when you are involved with her and how passionate you will speak about her.
4. Be considerate. Pay attention to the little things and look for opportunities to make small gestures that show you care. A simple “How was your day?” and being able to listen to her when she wants to discuss something are huge. So many men forget about simple things like holding the door, paying for her valet or just thanking her for a great time last night. Women are all about a guy with manners — she is not attracted to the dope who acts like a caveman.
5. Be honest.
“Share who you are by telling her something personal”
Share who you are by telling her something personal. Maybe share one of your favorite childhood memories or some personal growth that you have been going through. Something that will show her that you are a trusting and honest person. It also shows that you are a confident but vulnerable man. Women love to see the vulnerable side of you. Note: Don’t talk about an ex in a bad way here. If you have to talk about an ex, do so in a positive manner and share what you learned and how you grew from the relationship.
6. Be flexibile. Be open to her plans but surprise her with your flexibility. Take charge and surprise her with a fun night out. Instead of being the typical guy who makes a reservation, think about how you can be the guy who listens to her and plans a great date that she did not expect. If you can pull this off, she will be open to all sorts of advances from you.
7. Be positive. If you are positive about life, it shows in your actions. I always tell men to be extra nice to waiters, bartenders and other service people. Be a courteous driver when she’s in the car. When you are in line at the movies, don’t complain. Look for the humor and try to have fun with people all around you. Be positive about everything, and she will find you to be very sexy and alluring. No one wants to be with a negative hothead.
8. Be balanced. Women love a successful, ambitious man. They love that you work hard, but if you constantly put work ahead of her she will become turned off. She will start to imagine what life with you will be like with her needs being ignored. If you are out meeting women to date, you need to balance your life between work and play. This will be a major turn-on for her.
9. Have ambition. Men who are ambitious about what they do are a turn-on to women. It doesn’t matter if you choose to be a rich stock trader or a painter, as long as you are passionate about who you are and what you do. If you don’t love what you do, find something that really turns you on. You can’t attract the woman you want with a negative ambition. Women love a man who is the best at what he does.
10. Be attentive. You are out with her for the very first time, and she tells you she loves a certain type of music. On the next date take her to a lounge that plays that type of music. It is all about paying attention to the details and working on your listening skills.

This list of 10 things will work in most cases. Keep in mind there is always the woman who you just can’t seem to please. If you happen to cross paths with this type of woman, ask yourself, “Why would I want to be with a woman who is so difficult?”
I tend to avoid the difficult, judgmental women. Knowing women’s turn-ons and putting them into practice will help you identify women who may be relationship material. You need to realize that you want to attract and turn on the women that are attracted to you on an equal level!

via [AttractandApproach.com]