Thousands of couples walked down the aisle on Saturday, 7-7-07, hoping all those 7s — the number long associated with luck — will keep them lucky in love. It’s one of the most popular wedding dates in modern history, according to overwhelmed wedding planners, florists, and photographers.

Relationship experts caution, however, that much more than luck is needed to stay together and beat the odds of a divorce, now estimated to end half of today’s marriages. Here, relationship experts consulted by WebMD offer their best marriage tips for how to stay lucky in love. And they go way beyond the usual tips to buy her flowers, cook his favorite meal, and remember to schedule date night.

Marriage Tip No. 1: Purge the “D’” word.

With the taste of wedding cake barely off their lips, divorce is the last thought — or word — on newlyweds’ minds. But as the honeymoon period wanes, and day-to-day difficulties crop up, the word can come up frequently during arguments for some couples, say relationship counselors.

“Just don’t go there,” suggests Steve Brody, Ph.D., a psychologist in Cambria, Calif., who counsels couples. “Some people pull that out much too early, and much too often in a relationship. It raises a whole level of anxiety [in the person hearing it].”

Divorce is also considered a dirty word by the more than 200 “marriage masters” interviewed for the book, “Project Everlasting.” Co-authors Mat Boggs and Jason Miller, bachelors and childhood buddies from Portland, Ore., traveled the country to interview the couples, married 40 or more years, and ask for their best marriage tips.

“Don’t use the D word” was one oft-repeated suggestion for keeping a happy marriage, Boggs says. These marriage masters told him, “You need all your energy to find the solution to a problem and work it out. If you are even giving any consideration to a divorce, you lessen your ability to solve the problem.”

Of course, Boggs says, the marriage masters acknowledged that some situations are deal breakers, such as addiction, adultery, or abuse. But when the problem is less severe, many of the marriage masters told him they create a “ledger of life.” They get out a piece of paper and write down everything they love about their spouse. Eventually, they shift gears and begin to focus on what is right, not what’s wrong.

Marriage Tip No. 2: Replace the seven deadly habits in a marriage with the seven caring habits.

Learning the seven bad habits and the seven good ones is the easy part, admit William Glasser, M.D., a Los Angeles psychiatrist, and his wife, Carleen

Glasser, M.A., who co-authored “Eight Lessons for a Happier Marriage,” include this idea in their book and counseling sessions. Putting them into practice takes effort, of course.

The seven deadly habits are criticizing, blaming, complaining, nagging, threatening, punishing, and bribing.

The seven caring habits include supporting, encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting, and negotiating your differences.

Marriage Tip No. 3: Take care of yourself.

This marriage tip is short and sweet: “Take care of yourself physically and spiritually,” Brody tells couples. That way, your stress will be down and your tolerance will be up. You’ll be less likely to get on each other’s nerves — and to squabble. You’re more likely to have a happy marriage.

Marriage Tip No. 4: Discuss outside friendships.

While some married couples consider activities such as workplace friendships with members of the opposite sex acceptable, some relationship experts disagree.

“I’m not big on cross-gender friendships for married people,” Brody says. “It’s playing with fire.” One exception, in his book: If a wife has a friendship with a gay man or a husband has a friendship with a gay woman, he’s fine with that, since the romance potential is nonexistent.

Otherwise, he says, the line is too easy and tempting to cross.

Marriage Tip No. 5: Stop trying to control your partner.

It’s another one of those easier-said-than done marriage tips, of course. But trying to control each other — using a technique psychologists call “external control” — is the main source of marital unhappiness, according to the Glassers. In a happy marriage, partners know they cannot control each other.

You have practiced this “external control” if you have ever told your partner they need to behave the way you want them to or that you know what is right.

Learning not to control a partner can be a long process, but the Glassers offer some tips on educating yourself. “Think first,” Carleen Glasser says. Ask yourself: “If I can only control my own behavior, what can I do to help the marriage?” Then think of what you can change to make the problem better, she suggests.

Marriage Tip No. 6: Honor and respect your partner.

“Be honoring all the time,” says Thomas Merrill. That means no “my old lady” stories, he says. And it also means a wife shouldn’t be flirting with male co-workers or other men.

Respect was also a marriage tip that came up often from the marriage masters, Boggs says. “The No. 1 principle that almost everyone talked about is respect,” he says. “You can have respect without love, but you cannot have love without respect.”

Respect, say those with a happy marriage, means not undermining your partner in front of the children. “And don’t go outside the marriage when you are having a problem,” Boggs says they advised. “Discuss it with your partner.”

Respect also means not criticizing your mate in front of others, Miller and Boggs were often told by the marriage masters. To make this marriage tip easier to practice, consider the input of one marriage master on the topic, Boggs says. “One man told me, ‘Let’s say someone is walking by when you are criticizing your mate. That is the only opinion they have of you.’”

Marriage Tip No. 7: If you’re the wife, lower your expectations. If you’re the husband, step up to the plate.

When Steve Brody and his wife, Cathy Brody, MFT, a marriage and family counselor, toured the country to promote their book, “Renew Your Marriage at Midlife,” they asked audiences what they wanted from marriage.

“Women expected to be loved, cherished, listened to, cared for, and courted,” Steve Brody says. They had a long list of wants and expectations, he recalls. The men joked that their expectations were more basic: Their typical answers, Brody says: “Bring food and show up naked.”

While the men were half joking, the gaps in expectations are a good lesson. To close the gap, Brody says, women need to lower their expectations — to not expect 24/7 romance, for instance, especially if their mate has just worked an unbelievably long week.

Men need to do some of the things the woman wants, such as prioritize their relationship and listen more, he says. In a nutshell, Brody says, “Men need to do the same things at home that they do at work.” He tells the husbands he counsels to think of it this way: “Your wife is the million-dollar client. If she walks out the door, the business is closed.”

[via WebMD]

Single is in! I’ll give you one good reason why you should remain single and if you don’t like that reason, I’ll give you four-teen more reasons why being single isn’t so bad.

1. Personal Belongings: Everything stays exactly where you put it and that’s where you’ll find it when you go back for it (unless your house is haunted).
2. Noise Level: Don’t feel like listening to loud music or a blaring television? Great news! You don’t have too!
3. The Bathroom: You’ll never have to fight over whether the toilet tissue is to be pulled “over or under”. You’re not on a schedule, there isn’t anyone getting in the shower before or after you. There’s no rush so, take a few extra minutes to brush your teeth (don’t forget your tongue). And WOW, you can even “use the bathroom” without closing the door (please, only try this trick at home).
4. Conversation: You can talk to yourself and answer (if you choose to) and no will ever ask who you’re talking to or question your sanity.
5. Closet Space: All of the closets belong to YOU (that’s a major plus ladies)!
6. Leftovers: That lasagna that you cooked last night and have been anxious to get home to all day will still be in the refrigerator when you get home.
7. Thermostat: You have complete and total control over the temperature in your home. Chances are, if you weren’t single you’d have to tolerate temperatures that aren’t found on a normal thermostat like, 1° Cooler than Hell or 3° below Frost Bite .
8. Undressing: Kick your shoes off wherever you want! Who’s going to complain? This rule even applies to undies.
9. Leaving/Returning Home: When you open your front door to walk in or walk out, you’re NEVER asked questions that are sometimes rather annoying such as, “Where have you been?” or “Where are you going?” Isn’t it obvious that you’re going out, when you open the door from the inside anyway?
10. Telephone Calls: You never have to stress your vocal cords by screaming, “Pick up the phone it’s for you!”
11. Uninvited/Unwanted Guests: You never have to entertain in-laws. Enough said?
12. Fighting Neighbors: You can sigh with relief when you hear the couple next door fighting and be thankful that you don’t have to go through that.
13. Decorating: You can make the decision to paint your walls red, white and blue with green clovers, yellow moons and orange oranges and never have to stop and ask, “What do you think?”
14. Bedtime: Jump in! The bed is ALL yours, either side. Sleep at the top, sleep at the bottom, you can even try sideways. You won’t have to worry about losing sleep due to someone’s snoring and that dried up drool on the pillowcase, it’s just yours!
15. Unbroken: Unbroken, a word found in the dictionary under the word single . Single means, unbroken. Unbroken means, not broken. And we all know how the saying goes, “If it’s not broken, don’t try to fix it.”

via [socyberty.com]

A friend of mine sent me this link last week.  I hadn’t heard of it, but I guess it has been circulating the internet since early this year.  Check out and please let me know what you think.

http://www.spelhouse.com/gray/

I suggest reading this afterwards:

To read the story of the engagement from the photographer, click here:
http://rossoscarknight.blogspot.com/2007/06/most-elaborate-engagement-i-have-ever.html

The Top Ten Reasons Why Modern Dating Is Dead – and better yet, what YOU can do about it.

1. SEEKING HER APPROVAL AND ASKING HER OUT IS BAD And here’s the kicker – our entire modern dating system is set up so that you, the man, are being APPROVED OF at every juncture.

You ASK her if she wants to go out with you, you buy her stuff, you pay for her dinner, you give her compliments and at the end of the night you go in for a kiss and maybe you “get lucky”. Where in this equation are your needs being met? What are you, Chopped Liver? She’s the one that ultimately wants a commitment from you, why does she then get to choose, and shouldn’t she be “getting lucky” to have you?

What You Can Do About It: I propose that you no longer seek any sort of approval whatsoever from women. In fact you should be looking at HER critically and asking both yourself and her “Why should I be spending my time with you?” “What is it about you besides your obvious looks, that sets you apart from the multitudes of other beautiful women”. In fact, keep this in mind – there are right now more than likely thousands of beautiful women within a mile of you – RIGHT NOW. Any of those women would be LUCKY to have a happenin’ guy like YOU! Adopt that attitude right now.

2. DATING SITUATIONS CAUSE YOU TO ACT LIKE “OTHER PEOPLE” And That’s BAD! Ever been on a date that seemed more like a job interview than a good time with a cute girl? Ever play that 20 question game knowing full well you didn’t care what she said, you just wanted some action and you tried to tell her whatever she needed to hear to maybe get some? She gets up to go to the bathroom and you are thinking “Gee I hope she likes me!”

Revelation guys - it’s because the whole “frame” of dating causes you to become a different person. Chris Rock makes a joke about dating that “you don’t meet the other person, you meet their REPRESENTATIVE”. There’s just too damned much pressure here, and besides, it’s none of her business how much is in my 401k!

What You Can Do About It: Stop going on lame dates! Keep dates as informal as possible and above all avoid using personas – i.e., don’t play any roles like “successful guy”, “player”, “intellectual snob guy” hoping that’s what she’ll be into, and don’t tailor your answers to suit her, just be real. If you catch her doing it, goof on her!

3. SPENDING LOTS OF TIME PLANNING AN ELABORATE FIRST FEW DATES IS BAD Dinner, dancing, bowling, getting dressed up, this makes you look desperate. Maybe you aren’t desperate but that doesn’t matter – you LOOK desperate in her mind. If you had a busy life and a ton of other options you would not be planning this date to a tee. Nine times out of ten a woman can smell desperation on you. Unless you are a zillionaire and can whisk her off to Paris in your private jet, she’s going to think you are a chump who is just trying to impress her. And you know what – she’s right! Save the elaborate stuff for the fifth date when she already knows that you are a happenin’ guy who doesn’t need to impress her.

What You Can Do About It: Take her grocery shopping, have her tag along while you look at shoes, don’t make plans more than two days out, bring a bottle of wine, some cheap caviar and a box of saltines over to her house and watch “Sex and the City Reruns” with her on the spur of the moment. Keep it convenient, spontaneous, and keep it on your terms!

4. TRYING TO IMPRESS HER IN GENERAL IS BAD. In fact, most women will tell you it’s downright unattractive. Fancy dates, fancy cars, status symbols, bragging about your business deals, all telltale signs that you’ve got nothing going on in the PERSONALITY department and are probably very self conscious in general. Women can smell this too and the only women who respond favorably to this type of small behavior are generally manipulative sociopaths with really low self esteem.

What You Can Do About It: Relax and just be your cool self. Stop worrying about what she will think of you, instead focus on what YOU think of HER. Is she cuttin’ it? Is she worth your time? Further, don’t go too far out of your way on a date, make her come to you, do things that are convenient for you. See Number 3!

5. SPENDING LOTS OF MONEY BUYING HER ROMANTIC THINGS IS BAD This is taking 3 and 4 a step further - I know, I know, your mom told you to show up with a bouquet of roses and take her to the best restaurant, or “I’m only trying to be a gentleman.” This is NOT the prom. In reality things that seem romantic like flowers and candy just set a strong precedent that you will be SPENDING money from here on in.

She will begin to expect you to always be laying out the bread. This will cause her to not respect you as a man, you become the guy whom she hangs out with and tolerates because you buy her things, when you really want to be the guy who makes her all googly moogly and rocks her world in the sack! Also, it’s been my experience that with women of high character and self esteem, buying flowers, candies, and ‘stuff’ for her will tend to creep her out if you do it too soon or too often. It comes back to a weak attempt to try to impress her, masked in the guise of being a gentleman or nice guy.

Further, in that ironic cosmic way that the world works, having this mindset of “I need to take her to the best restaurant and spend money on her to keep her interested in me” will cause you to attract gold diggers, and you know them gold diggers ain’t messin’ with no broke…. Well, you get the point.

What You Can Do About It: Wait a long time before spending money, and the cheaper the better, give her a fun time without blasting a hole in your bank account. Make her a flower with origami, or draw her a rose on a napkin, she’ll appreciate that way more than a $5 rose anyway! Seems silly but trust me it works, when you are strolling down the street, pluck a daisy from the ground and give it to her.

When you DO finally bust a move with the flowers, candy and expensive dinners, she will really swoon and this will further cement her respect for you, and it will come from a place where again – she already knows you are a happenin’ guy and you don’t need to impress her!

6. PLANNING IN ADVANCE IS BAD And hardly ever works. Again, this sets up her approving of you and removes spontaneity. Women want to be swept off their feet, carried away by the moment, etc. How many times have you “asked” a woman out, she tells you “Call me Friday and I’ll let you know”… which of course is code for “If nothing better comes along I’ll let you buy me dinner and lots of drinks”.

Let’s face it gents, women are becoming less and less reliable when it comes to making plans in advance, especially the hotter ones. They Flake, it’s a fact of life. They have options and they need to know, or at least think that you have options too.

What You Can Do About It: Take that “Call me Friday and I’ll let you know” trick away from her and use it yourself! Keep things spontaneous – call her last minute and tell her to meet you across town at the Laundromat. If you are feeling extra cool, make a date with her and flake first. Steal her game away from her and play it back!

7. DINNER AND A MOVIE IS BAD Okay, it’s worse than bad, it just plain SUCKS! It’s a bad plan on so many levels. It’s expensive, it brings out that “REPRESENTATIVE” thing Chris Rock and I were just talking about, it’s predictable and it’s painfully boring. She will be thinking “Oh God, is he going to be like that cheesy guy last week who tried to make out with me in the movie theater?” Ouch! It’s too painful to go on, but I think you get it don’t you? Don’t you?? Phew…

What You Can Do About It: Be original, build some intrigue. HAVE FUN with her! Don’t tell her where you are going, but tell her to wear some nice jeans and sexy shoes or a little black dress and bring a bathing suit and a Rand McNally road Atlas! Oh she doesn’t have one? Well they sell them at Barnes and Noble she can pick one up on her way! Go James Bond baby, but absolutely no no no no dinner and a movie!

8. WAITING TO HAVE SEX WITH HER IS BAD Oh, I know – you are thinking if you wait a few dates, it’ll prove to her that you really aren’t just in it for the booty. Well you are wrong! This is really just a glorified way of trying to impress her and will only cause her to respect you less! You have to understand that she wants you but it’s her societally induced role to play “hard to get”, to play by “the rules” and it’s your job to crack her code and push her toward “giving it up”. This is done by attempting to have sex with her as quickly as you possibly can!

Waiting around and NOT escalating physically will actually cause her to think that you are not interested in her and will automatically banish you to the “friend zone” as a self protective mechanism for her! Her ego cannot fathom that you could be interested in her yet not make a move, so she automatically thinks you have rejected her and to keep you from ever rejecting her again she immediately stops being attracted to you!

This is very often times unconscious behavior for her that she may never be aware of. She will say to her friends “I don’t know what happened. I just stopped being interested in him for some reason… he’s a nice guy but I guess he’s not my type.” Believe me, I’ve got years of practice finding my way into the friend zone, and once you are in it, you ain’t gettin’ out!

What You Can Do About It: Learn how to properly seduce a woman, learn where the escalations are, and learn how to guide her through those escalations as quickly as possible. In other words: Bust A Move! Get Physical! Stop being a wimp. It might take you three dates to break her down, but she will respect you and trust me: She is ENJOYING resisting you.

Put yourself out there and risk being rejected and nine times out of ten you will not be. I believe in having sex with a woman as quickly as possible and will often make it happen on the first date! Further, if you are any good in the sack and you rock her world, the choice of whether to continue to see her will be all yours and completely on your terms. Not bad huh?

9. BEING ASEXUAL AND MASKING YOUR INTENT IS BAD This goes hand in hand with Number 8 and is also another weak attempt to try to impress her by being a “gentleman” or being a “nice guy”. Guys, she wants to sleep with you, oh maybe consciously it’s not a given quite yet, but because she is with you she is giving you a window of opportunity to make it happen, how long that window stays open, and how long it takes you to jump through it is up to you! I don’t know about you but I live my life as honestly as possible.

Acting as though I’m not interested in having sex with her, being nonchalant or acting “asexual” to me seems downright disingenuous! That’s not to say I walk around like a drooling hound dog, but I don’t sugarcoat my masculinity, censor my speech or act blandly asexual in hopes that she’ll respect me for my intellect and as such want to sleep with me. It just doesn’t work that way and it’s a poor, dishonest way to live your life!

What You Can Do About It: Pepper your speech with double entendres and sexy words like thrust, erect and penetrate. Describe your food as a “tiny little orgasm in every bite”. Develop a “warmly dominant” and flirtatious personality that subtly announces to women “Hey, I’m a man and you want a man don’tcha?” Touch her, learn how to properly escalate physical touching so that she knows “it’s on” and becomes excited about it.

10. NOT UNDERSTANDING THE NEW PARADIGM OF DATING AND SEDUCTION IS BAD! Yes gentleman, it’s time to take dating out of the crusty old box it’s been in for years and bring it into the new millennium! If there’s one thing that the sexual revolution taught us it’s that: WOMEN LOVE SEX JUST AS MUCH AS MEN DO, IF NOT MORE! However, we are still stuck in a world where having random sex with guys she doesn’t know has consequences for a woman. She could get pregnant, catch a disease, her friends could think she’s a slut…

It is therefore your job as a man to remove and / or work around those consequences. You have to accept that woman everywhere want sex and are dying to meet a guy who can guide them through the seduction process, and ultimately give them the mind blowing sex they want in a way that causes it to be “not their fault”. “He swept me off my feet”, “He was irresistible”, “I don’t know what came over me”… You do this by creating intrigue, not masking your intent or trying to impress her, being spontaneous, avoiding the dinner and a movie / overly planned event date and above all HAVING FUN with her!

What You Can Do About It: Think of your own unique, intrigue filled situations and go out and have yourself some fun with some women! Tune up your dating and seduction skills. GET SOME GAME!

E’s Question of the day: 

Does it bother you to think about how many sex partners your current partner has had? 

Or do you think about it at all? 

I know when you’re involved in a relationship. It can be difficult to think about your lover being with another person, much less talk about it. But with disease and so many unplanned pregnancies, I think it’s absolutely imperative that it be discussed. 

But how do you go about approaching the subject? And will you be able to handle the answer once you get it? 

My ex once told me, “Don’t ask me anything you don’t want to know the answer to.” So I asked. And honestly even though I’d had twice as many partners as she’d had I still felt kinda’ weird about it. It took a while for me to put it out of my mind. Every time she would run into an old friend when we’d be out together I’d want to know if he was one of the many. 

How do you deal with your ex being so friendly to those they use to be sexually active with? 

Please tell me what you think…..

Six Surefire Ways to End Up Old and Lonely

It seems to be a natural human trait that we don’t recognize the value of what we have until it is gone. People often make statements such as:

“You never call or come to visit.”

They wonder why. Sometimes we have to do some really difficult soul searching to find the answer. But if you’re really hell bent on being old and lonely here are a few ways to accomplish that task.

Alienate everyone you know.

There are several easy ways to do this. Be rude. Insult them. Keep a totally negative attitude. Complain all the time. If that doesn’t work they’re just gluttons for punishment. Never fear. There are other ways.

Get rid of excess baggage.

If they live with you just throw them out at least once a week. Sooner or later they’ll get tired of all the packing and unpacking and just move on. If they’re the stubborn type you may have to repeat the process several times for it to be effective. But repetitive behavior does pay off eventually.

Use words that hurt.

Treat them like crap. Tell them how worthless they are. Downplay their good points. Focus on their faults, weaknesses and flaws. Never give them any credit. Talk down to them. That usually works really well.

Get downright selfish.

Point out all the wonderful things you’ve done for them but don’t acknowledge anything they’ve done for you. Use the words I, me, my and mine a lot. Remind them how they would be nothing without you.

Play the blame game.

Blame them for every negative thing that has ever happened in your life. No. Don’t stop there. Go for the gusto. Blame them for everything that has gone wrong in the entire world. This will really bring them to their knees.

Replace them but keep them around like a spare tire.

If you want to break off a relationship tell him or her that there’s bigger, better fish in the sea. In fact, reel one in to bring home and put the trophy on display. This will really get him or her where it hurts. Don’t forget to say you’ll always be friends. That’s a real tearjerker. Don’t forget to call your old flame to watch the kids so you and the new flame can have fun. That’s sticking the knife between the shoulder blades and twisting real hard.

If it’s your friends you’re giving the brush off to just tell them you’ve found other friends that are more fun, influential or have more money. You’ll have some new enemies to go along with your new friends.

Time has passed and you have only your memories to keep you company. The new friends that you tossed aside your old friends for have made new friends of their own. Family members became weary of trying and moved on. You sabotaged your last relationship just like the one before and now you’re all alone. Don’t you wish you had done things differently?

To say women are complicated sexually is about as obvious as me pointing out you’d be awfully tired if you tried to swim from here to Australia. Everyone knows women find it harder to orgasm than men do. Here’s a rundown of the reasons why — and how to up your chances of enjoying hassle-free sex like he does.

You Just Don’t Feel Like It

Pinpoint exactly what’s happening

Temporary lack of desire means you normally love sex but are just going through an off period. Long-term lack of desire means passion hasn’t lived at your house for quite some time. Low sensation means you want sex but your body doesn’t, refusing to respond physically to erotic arousal of the brain. Your genitals remain dry and you’ve got a low sensitivity to touch and sensation on your clitoris and vaginal area.

If you’re suffering from low sensation, head for your doctor and ask for a referral to a good gynecologist for a full check-up. The problem’s usually physically based with common culprits being pelvic surgery like hysterectomy, high blood pressure, smoking, high cholesterol hormonal changes like having a baby and medications.

Temporary lack of desire can usually be pinpointed to a specific event if you think hard enough. Apart from the obvious things like having a baby, there’s stress (Just got a promotion? Moved to a new house?), exhaustion (all or any of the above), the death of a loved one, tension in your relationship and any one of a number of things which make you feel less than wonderful. If you can identify a specific event, the solution usually presents itself along with the realization. Super stressed? Rethink your priorities. If you’re grieving, give yourself time to heal.

If you haven’t felt sexual for a year or more and have no idea why, that’s when you need to sit up and pay attention. And be truthful. The first and most likely reason you’re not (ever) turned on is you’re in the wrong relationship or your partner’s a lousy lover. By far the biggest obstacle between us and the Big O is a partner who hasn’t the first clue about how to get us there. I’m happy to report, however, that with some open, honest communication and education about what you need to orgasm, this can be solved.

Are you subconsciously withholding sex?

A tad more disturbing is realizing the problem is not your partner’s technique but the fact you simply don’t fancy him. While there are plenty of ways to try to spice up your sex life, it’s unlikely you’ll be waking the neighbors if the thrill is simply gone. The solution to that — deciding whether to leave or stay in a sexless relationship — is something I’m going to leave with you, I’m afraid. There are so many individual factors, only you can decide that one!

Sex is a powerful bargaining tool in relationships. If your partner’s always been sex mad, withdrawing his main source of pleasure if he’s not behaving out of bed can be tremendously satisfying. Sometimes, particularly if you’re angry, you’re aware you are doing it. (That’ll teach the jerk!) Other times, if you’re deeply hurt, it happens on an unconscious level. Sex problems are rarely just about sex, they’re usually a sign the relationship’s a bit wobbly, as well.

On The Somewhat Positive Side

Equally as common and just as destructive to your sex life: You’ve become too close to your partner. How was sex in the beginning? If it was good and you’re still attracted to them, if not lusting after them, intimacy is rudely pushing passion aside. It’s ironic: The couples who have the closest, soul-mate connection and the best relationships often have the worst sex lives. A crucial ingredient to having good long-term sex is novelty: if you’ve become matching bookends with the same tastes and views, that’s hard to achieve. Couples who push each other out of their comfort zones, challenging each other to try new things and see things from a different point of view, tend to fare better in the bedroom.

A Few Other Things to Consider

• Rule out medical causes. First, have a full medical consultation to assess your lifestyle, general health, medication and hormone levels.
• Desire is a decision. It doesn’t just happen; you have to make it happen. Accept responsibility for your own arousal. Work out what turns you on and do it. Spontaneous lust happens easily in the beginning, but not so easily later on.
• Make a weekly date for sex (minimum) and three other dates (an hour each time) to simply spend time together outside the bedroom. Make these dates a top of your priority list — not last on the list. When the time comes make an effort to enthusiastically participate, and you might find you enjoy it as much as he does!
• Don’t play the blame game. Just because your partner wants to get horizontal with you does not mean he is bordering on sex addiction. It’s a compliment! Fight the Why should I do something I don’t want to do? stubbornness. Instead, try everything in your power to make sex a pleasure, not a chore.

You’re Having Orgasmless Sex

Pinpoint the Problem

If you’re preorgasmic you’ve never had an orgasm, if you’re anorgasmic you’re able to orgasm through masturbation but not able to have one with your partner. Which one are you?

Never, ever had one?

The first thing to do is experiment with a vibrator. Almost all women can orgasm this way and you’ll have an idea of what you’re aiming for. After teaching yourself to orgasm using a vibrator (Simply hold it over the clitoral area with your vaginal lips closed), it’s then a matter of training yourself to masturbate with your fingers. Next, teach your partner how to do it and start experimenting with oral sex. The most reliable ways for women to orgasm: a vibrator, his tongue or his fingers. Add personal lubricant — a big dollop — when masturbating and you’ll notice a huge difference.

Some Tips

• Educate yourself about your body. Buy some good, non-judgmental basic reference books, especially those which talk about masturbation and orgasms. The less educated you are about sex, the less likely you are to orgasm if you’re female.
• Don’t stop stimulation because you’re worried you’ll pee yourself. The first few times you orgasm, it does feel a bit like you’re about to urinate. Trust me, you’re not! Stop worrying, close your eyes and try to get past the feeling.
• Can’t orgasm even with a vibrator? There could be deep, psychological factors at play, perhaps an early traumatic experience you don’t remember but which is influencing you. Sometimes, our brain will “hide” information from us if it thinks it’s too painful to recall. Sounds clever — and it is to a point — but your brain isn’t the only thing which remembers; your body does too. If you feel there’s something wrong, but you’re not sure what, or if you feel generally uncomfortable about sex, arrange to see a counselor or therapist.

You can orgasm just fine solo, you just can’t do it with him?

Welcome to a very big club. Seventy seven percent of women find it easier to reach orgasm alone, rather than with a partner. Even those who work up the courage to show their partner the technique which does it for them, fall at the gate. Why? Because their partner doesn’t do it for long enough and after requesting that he do it a certain way, it feels wrong to also demand he does it for longer. But here’s a newsflash: Studies show men actually prefer to be told what to do! The reason they stop way too soon is simply because it takes much less time for him to orgasm and he assumes you’re the same. Tell him it can take up to 20 minutes to reach orgasm and he’ll relax and settle in.

If you still can’t orgasm without a vibrator, it’s time for an introduction: “Vibrator, meet [insert the name of your partner]. [Insert the name of your partner], meet my vibrator.” At first, you should hold it against your clitoris as he continues to stimulate you elsewhere: massaging breasts, kissing you, penetrating you with his fingers. Once you both know you can orgasm by using the vibrator, the pressure is off. As he gets more practiced with the technique you like, take the vibrator out of your top drawer later and later into the sex session. Let him bring you closer and closer to orgasm without it - and eventually you’ll tip over the edge without having to use it at all. If you’re worried he’ll be threatened by a vibrator doing what he can’t, suggest using a vibrating penis ring.

If you get stuck at the “almost there” point, try switching stimulation - you’ve probably desensitised yourself. Try adding something new. If you’re into anal stimulation, a well-lubricated finger delivered with sensitivity and timing could do the trick.

You Secretly Think Sex is Something Bad or Dirty

Most women learn how to orgasm through masturbation. If you come from a strict religious background or had parents who told you touching yourself was dirty and deviant, chances are you didn’t masturbate. But it’s never too late to start exploring your body! Take baby steps until you’re at the point where you can bring yourself to orgasm. Some other ideas:

• Educate yourself about sex. Read some good books and get your partner to do the same.
• Normalize sex by renaming it. Using a word your brain doesn’t instantly associate with “bad” makes it less threatening. For instance, try calling sex “having fun” (ahem).
• Stop worrying about what everyone thinks. We’re worried that our partner will judge us. We’re worried what our Mum might think if she saw us. Lighten up! Whenever you feel your thoughts go in this direction, fight it — and refuse to let yourself go there.
• Give up the body image issues. So you’re not perfect… Shock! Horror! Neither am I. And neither is anyone I know in real life (men included)! Get over it and do what men do: When you look in the mirror, focus on the good parts, not the bad.
• Examine your sexual past. What messages did you get from your parents about sex? What other past experiences have you had which could be affecting you now? Talk to trusted friends. Talk to your partner. Talk to a therapist if you’d like.
• Stay in the moment when you’re having sex. Concentrate on feelings and sensations. If you feel your mind wander into negative territories - or even into your to-do list! — drag it back. Open your eyes and watch if it keeps your mind on it. And don’t make orgasm the focus: Just let yourself enjoy what’s happening right then and there.

via [iVillage]

If you’ve got a significant other, I highly recommend you keep the spark of your relationship alive and find ways to show you appreciate each other, every week and every day, if possible.

Look for little, inexpensive ways to be romantic, and it will pay off for your relationship in innumerable ways.

Why inexpensive? Well, you could rent a limo and take your love to a snooty French restaurant, or whisk him or her off to a trip to the snow-capped Alps, or rent a stadium and have the Three Tenors sing love songs for you while the New York Philharmonic plays in the background. I don’t know about you, but I can’t afford to do that kind of stuff more than a few times a month. The rest of the time, I have to resort to cheaposity.

Before we get into the list, let’s look at a few notes on how to use the list:

1. Weekly dates. I recommend you have a date at least once a week with your partner. It doesn’t have to be an expensive one, but at least find some way to spend a couple hours time together. If you’ve got kids, like I do, find a babysitter.
2. Communicate. Romantic gestures don’t take the place of real communication. Take time to talk about your goals, your dreams, your plans for the future, your current lives, things you’re happy about, things you love about the other person, things you’d like to work on, things you’re grateful for.
3. Inspiration. This list contains a lot of obvious stuff - you could probably come up with twice as many good ideas yourself. But the list doesn’t aim for originality - it aims to be an inspiration. Pick and choose some good ideas, or use it to spark some of your own. Sometimes we just need a little reminder.
4. Forget Valentines. Boycott Valentine’s Day, as it makes people think they should be romantic on special occasions. Instead, pick one of these ideas and do it any day of the week - no need for a special occasion.

OK, enough talk. Let’s look at some ways to be romantic without breaking your budget (note to my mom: don’t read this, as there are a couple of sexy-time things later on):

1. Write a poem.
2. Cook a romantic dinner.
3. Give a full-body massage.
4. Pack a sunset picnic.
5. Pick wildflowers on the way home.
6. Burn a CD with love songs.
7. Give dark chocolates.
8. Read poetry together.
9. Prepare strawberries with fondue chocolate.
10. Snuggle together on a rainy day.
11. Leave little love notes everywhere.
12. Send a love email every day.
13. Take a moonlit walk on the beach.
14. Snuggle together while watching romantic movies (Casablanca, Audrey Hepburn are my favs).
15. Get good wine, watch shooting stars.
16. Take a bath together (use bubbles!).
17. Bring home good coffee or a decadent sweet.
18. Take a walk down memory lane - visit some of the special places from your early days of dating.
19. Make warm chocolate cake for dessert.
20. Make a scrapbook with photos, mementos, and little notes from you lives together.
21. Kiss in the rain.
22. Ride a ferris wheel.
23. Sneak away from a party and make out.
24. Bring home great take-out, and light some candles.
25. Fix something or fix up the house just to make your partner happy.
26. Slow dance to romantic music.
27. Take a nap together.
28. Kiss slowly, touching his or her back and neck and nape - slowly.
29. Make a list of everything you love about him or her.
30. Write a love letter.
31. Clip or email things that make you think of him or her, every day.
32. Go to a movie, ignore the movie, and make out like teen-agers.
33. Groom yourself, and try to look good for your partner.
34. Take some quiet time and talk about your day.
35. Write little notes, one for each way he or she drives you crazy.
36. Feed each other grapes.
37. Recreate your partner’s favorite romantic movie scene.
38. Pretend you’re going on a first date - show up at the door with flowers, all dressed up, with your car washed and cleaned, looking spiffy. Recreate the first time.
39. Create a little box with a bunch of your partner’s favorite things inside.
40. Paint each other with flavored body paint. Be creative!
41. Try some sexy role-playing. Get dressed up, be daring, have fun.
42. Give a little token to your partner to wear, and say it’s to remind him or her all day that you love them.
43. Sing a favorite song to him or her. Only do this if you can sing fairly well.
44. Have dinner on the roof, with some candles. This doesn’t work if your roof slopes sharply.
45. Hold hands, and walk somewhere with lots of pretty lights.
46. Say I love you. In a different way, every day.
47. Blindfold your partner. Use a feather. Slowly.
48. Declare your love, very publicly.
49. Fruit or berries and freshly made whipped cream.
50. Play Sade. Do what comes naturally. Slowly.
via [zenhabits.net]

Breaking up is hard to do - but it’s something we all seem to go through at one time or another. Well most of us do anyway. It seems to affect us similarly whether we are young or old, famous or not, rich or poor and irrespective of where we are in the world. Below are a few suggestions that will hopefully help you decrease your recovery time and maybe minimize the amount of mistakes made along the way.

1) Don’t try to be their friend - make a “clean break” As tempting as it is, if you are still in love with your EX, and he or she doesn’t reciprocate the feelings and intensity, then you’re better off making a clean break. I call it E.R. (”Emotional Rehab”) - which is basically just my way of saying “time to go cold turkey”. Most people choose to ignore this advice, and remain their ex’s friend - somehow imagining if they do continue to be this wonderful, supportive friend, their EX will miraculously see the err of their ways - and take them back. That so seldom happens. Now some of you will insist on remaining “friends” with your ex (or have to due to classes, jobs or children together), so if you are attempting this, be sure to set some ground rules. For example, do not discuss your former relationship, your new partners, or anything else that you know to be a potentially volatile subject. Resist every urge in you to ask those personal questions - most of the time the answers hurt! Keep conversations relevant to work, children or classes and away from any emotional topics. It is not easy, but it is achievable. Eventually many non-believers “cut contact”, because it really is too hard trying to be someone’s “buddy” - when you’re wanting more. This is especially true when your EX starts seeing someone new and starts asking you for advice (yes really!) or tries to share the gory details. No thanks. You’re better off saying - “I care for you, and maybe in time, when I am over the pain, we can resume a friendship.” While it is rare, in some instances, absence DOES make the heart grow fonder and they do realize what they have been missing and reconciliation is on the cards. In others, the time apart actually serves to make you see the relationship for how it really was, and shocking as this may be to you right now, in time you just may realize you don’t want to be their friend after all! Finally, after you are over your EX and no longer harbor secret desires to get back together then you can really become “just friends”.

2) Do erase their telephone number from your mobile phone As text messaging is such a HUGE thing, you’d be wise to delete their name and number from your mobile phone (and address book) straight away. You may also be able to bar their number from your phone too. Deleting your ex’s details will save you phoning or texting at 4am to ask “Why? Why? Why?” you were dumped, or save you from begging your ex, drunkenly, to take you back. That method seldom (if ever) works for reconciliation. It often has the adverse effect. Who enjoys getting woken up in the middle of the night by someone’s incoherent rantings? Or by being bombarded by text messages from someone that just doesn’t seem to get the hint.

3) Do delete their old emails and their handle from your online “buddy” lists If you can bring yourself to DELETE all of the old emails between you, then do it. If that seems to drastic, at least put them onto a disc or burn them CD and put them somewhere where you won’t be tempted to continually re-read each one over and over. You just end up torturing yourself. Similarly to number two - remove and block them from your buddy lists. I know you think it’s a minor offense, even quite harmless, to keep in touch with your ex via email or instant messaging programs, but the only one you’re fooling is yourself.  Often you just end up spying on them, checking to see when they are on (and wondering who they are talking to if it’s not you!), analysing each message they send you, or worse yet, you get hurt when they tell you they are off “out” that night (and don’t say where). It’s an absolute nightmare, why put yourself through all that? In a weird sort of way, keeping in touch electronically is a form of denial. It’s a way of staying in the relationship even when the other person isn’t physically there anymore. After six months or so have passed, if you decide you want to, then you can add them back to your buddy list and allow them to see you again on theirs. Hopefully enough time will have past where you are better able to handle being in touch.

4) Don’t sit around staring at the mementos Put away the letters, pictures and any personal belongings of your ex. Box them up and put them in a closet or somewhere equally out of sight. I have known some people to have ceremonial burnings, but that may be a bit drastic, and after you’re calmer and have healed, you may even regret it. For starters, just box up all of the stuff until you feel ready to face it. Eventually you’ll be able to look at the holiday snaps without feeling sick to your stomach but not right now. In a year’s time, if you do still feel like torching the stuff, then do it somewhere safe - like the beach!

5) Do use a journal or notebook to vent your pain, anger, frustration & so forth You should never underestimate the power of pouring the words out onto a page. This is even good for men. In fact, it’s generally exceptionally good for men, as a lot of men don’t have an outlet for their emotions and pain. During the healing process often we don’t feel like we are improving, and the notebook or diary will show you just how far you have come if you read it after a few weeks or months. It is incredibly cathartic and it just may stop you from saying things to your EX you may later regret. I highly recommend writing letters to your EX that you don’t actually send.

6) Do spoil yourself This is something that both men and women can and need to do. Do something so simple as to having a manicure, facial or a massage. Or, maybe purchase that nifty gadget you’ve had your eye on. Both men and women can also benefit from picking up some new items of clothing that make us feel sexy. We all want to feel attractive. Treat yourself as you would want that someone ’special’ to treat you. Have candle lit dinners - with all of your favorite foods - just for you. You’re worth it.

7) Do buy new bedding & change your surroundings It may sound silly but it’s very powerful step that you can take to cleanse the situation and start fresh. I have known some people to actually go out and buy whole new beds. If you can afford it, go for it. There is something to be said for sleeping in bedding with no history and no memories. The same can be said by changing the wallpaper or repainting an area - to make it more of your own. Surround yourself in your home with things that make you feel comfortable. Pictures of family and friends who really love you and support you are a very good start.

Don’t rebound Give yourself plenty of time to heal from this break-up. Many people begin dating before they are really recovered. It is almost as if they get bored of the pain and the healing process, so they suddenly grab the next random person who happens to show a little kindness and BAM! It’s a fantastic theory but it doesn’t always work that way. Try refrain from immediately trying to find someone to replace your EX and fill that void. Better to work through your pain fully before returning to the dating pool. While there is something to be said for rebound shags, they can sometimes do more harm than good. We’ve all heard “you can’t get over a man (or woman) until you get under another”. Don’t bet on it. Dating too soon often leads to comparisons to your EX, makes you feel lonelier than not dating did, and can actually set you back further, emotionally, than before you had started to date again. As much as we think this bright, sexy, intelligent person makes us feel so good, at the end of the day, they won’t really be able to fill this VOID in you. Only YOU can really make YOU happy. So the trick is to be happy within yourself before you start to date again.

9) Don’t listen to the negative self-talk Once we have been dumped, there is a tendency slip into negative “self talk” and to worry about so many things: if we will ever be loved again, have sex again, trust again or perhaps we worry we are too old, too fat, too dumb or too anything…to ever be happy and fulfilled again. That is highly unlikely, so relax! Dispel thoughts like that immediately and replace them with positive affirmations of your own self worth. Remember, just because your EX may no longer find you desirable or want to be in a relationship with you, doesn’t mean that no one else ever will. It just means your EX doesn’t. So what? You are still you. You are still whole, complete and perfect just as you are and it will do you good to keep reminding yourself of that.

10) Do take charge of your life - the world is your oyster Use your time to alone to focus on yourself and your own goals in life. You can take a course in cooking, pick up a new hobby or learn seroc dancing - whatever you want. Buy a house, a motorcycle, travel the world, retrain for a new career or go for that promotion. The world is your oyster! Get up off the sofa as soon as you can. While some regrouping time is necessary, at some point you should try to get in yourself back in shape and back in the land of the living. If you’ve lost a lot of weight (due to that lack of appetite!) then it’s time to put it back on - and vice versa. Start eating right and treating your body with the respect it deserves -it’s not the one who dumped you! Go running, walking, biking or to the gym to get the endorphins swimming through you. You’ll feel better if you do and you will project that to all you meet.

Finally, one of the most frequently asked questions is “How will I know when I am really over my ex?” I think a good gauge is if you no longer harbor feelings and desires of getting back together. Not only that, but you can actually think of your EX having sex with someone else and it doesn’t feel like your heart’s just been ripped out of your chest and was stomped on.

via [youvebeendumped]