Folks,

Marriage does not a committed relationship make. You can be married to a person you are not committed to. You can also be committed to a person you are not married to.

Less emphasis should be placed on marriage and more emphasis on developing a genuine, sincere, devoted friendship. People will always quit on a lover faster than they would on a friend. People would also always betray a lover sooner than they would betray a friend.

If becoming true and genuine friends takes you 3 months or 13 years, that is what you should aim for. What does being a true friend mean, that is for you to decide, for me, being a true friend is having someone that I know has my back unconditionally and vice-versa.

How does one get to this level of becoming true friends? By sharing, start slowly at first and then integrate that person into your story, your life, your goals and dreams and what not. If the person can’t handle some of it prior to having a committed relationship to your satisfaction, there is no way they would be able to once you are in a committed relationship.

Once you start the process of integration, keep on doing this, till your life is an empty canvas before this other person, if you can accept the way they paint on it, then you are good to go, if you can’t you know that there is no reason to take things to the next level.

Of course by doing this, you shall potentially expose yourself to getting your feelings hurt, but that is fine, it comes with the territory, nothing wrong with it, take it in stride and move on. Better to do your sincere best and get hurt up front, and not do your sincere best and hurt for the rest of your life, by involving yourself with the wrong person under false pretenses.

However, once a friendship is firm and a decision has been made to be in a committed relationship, ALL other options cease to exist, this is plain and simple.

What this means is if you are a guy, and you have 2000 phone numbers in your celly of potential, past and present babes, delete all of them. If you have all sorts of babes sending you mail via fb or email, politely tell them that at this point it is inappropriate to continue communicating, and delete their email addresses, of course also give your partner full and unfettered access to all your communication accounts (voice mail, email, etc).

If you are into “Boys Night Out” (specifically clubbing or partying) or whatever, except if your babe is coming along, don’t do it, you don’t need it. If your boys can’t hang in the company of your babe to do social interaction of whatever nature, it is not meant to be.

If you are a babe and all sorts of admirers are popping up with propositions, politely tell them thanks but no thanks, if you are into doing girls night out (clubbing and partying), cease and desist, except if your guy gets to come too.

Once a commitment has been made, two have become one, and just like my head and my neck always have to be in tune with one another 100% for my body to function properly, so do the people in a committed relationship.

Once you’ve been in a committed relationship and are happy to be in a committed relationship, whether you get married or not makes no difference, as marriage merely becomes a legalization before the laws of the land what you already have internally.

The title is more to catch your eye than anything…

Have you met that girl? You know the one. Her life’s dream is to get married. She talks about everyone around her behind their backs when they are engaged. She laughs and smiles in their presence.

This is a description of a young lady that I work with. For anonymity’s sake, her name will be Stacy.

Stacy was with her ex-boy friend Josh for together for many years. She learned after they bought a house together that he did not want to get married and did not want to have kids. These both being very important things to her.

She since has tried playing the field to make him jealous. She even says how much she wants him back but he has to change. Stacy now admits that she broke up with him as a “threat”.

What’s even worse is that she is dying to settle down and it looks as though this is a race to the alter.

My question is why? Stacy is only 26. But this seems to be the thought process of a lot of women. We seem to have this timeline in our heads that must be met. Ok, I admit that I ‘had’ one too…but that was back in high school! Why now? Why as adults are we willing to just settle for the next man that comes along? Or, in Stacy’s case, settle for the man that we don’t necessarily want but, he’s ‘convenient’…

Let me know what you think.

Do you believe in love at first sight? Disbelievers may have to think again because new research shows it only takes half a second to decide if someone is attractive and if someone could be a potential mate. The research looks a physical attractiveness and how we perceive someone as attractive or how we perceive someone as being attracted to our mate. It was found that people fixate on someone’s face before sizing them up for mate possibility. The study used college students as their base. The students were shown pictures of very attractive or average-looking people for one second before being asked to look at something else. The researchers then measured the students’ reaction time. There discovery was that it takes just a second to determine if someone is attractive to you or not.

The students in committed relationships who viewed the pictures were interested in attractive members of the same sex. These students were marked as those who were jealous of and worried about guarding their mates

The study also showed the pitfalls of visual fixation, including negative effects on self-esteem when looking at an attractive person of the same sex. The negativity could be linked to illnesses such as bulimia. Another pitfall is that people may become less satisfied in their current relationships.

Long distance relationships require a special willingness and understanding that can test love like no other type of relationship can. It requires constant communication and a desire to continually create your relationship, using the only real tool you have… your words. Make sure you communicate all of your feelings. Words can be lost in translation via text messages or e-mail. Make sure to take time and communicate as if you were face-to-face.

If phones — or long-distance minutes are not readily available – try a virtual date. Play a game … or a few … over the internet.

If you have a lot of phone minutes (or just start after 7 p.m. when minutes are free), rent a movie “together” and watch it at the same time and share your comments over the phone.

Make gifts for each other. Nothing extravagant…but something that will tell him/her that it is from the heart. One idea is little notes or sayings of “I Love You” in different languages.

People need to love and be loved. Yet many people have trouble doing so. This is by no means an exhaustive list…but it is a start.

1. Choose a partner wisely and well.
We are attracted to people for all sorts of reasons. One could be that they remind us of someone from our past. Another that they spend money on us — buying gifts and making us feel important. Evaluate a potential partner as you would a friend; look at their character, personality, morals, their generosity of spirit, the relationship between their words and actions, their relationships with others (family is important).

2. Know your partner’s beliefs about relationships.
Different people have different outlooks on relationships. And please believe that this can sometimes be conflicting. You don’t want to fall in love with someone who expects lots of dishonesty in relationships; they’ll create it where it doesn’t exist.

3. Don’t confuse sex with love.
Men are especially good at differentiating this. Especially in the beginning of a relationship, attraction and pleasure in sex –aka lust– are often mistaken for love.

4. Know your needs and make sure they are heard.
A relationship is not a guessing game. Men and women fear stating their needs and as a result, their partners are left clueless. The latter result is disappointment and possible anger at a partner for not having met their “unstated” needs. In order to become close as a couple, you must be honest with one another…please remember that your partner is not a mind reader.

5. View yourselves as a team.
A team brings people together with a goal. They may have a different perspective or strengths, but they continue pressing forward to teach and learn together.

6. Know how to respect and manage differences.
This is the true key to a successful relationship. Disagreements don’t end relationships however, name-calling does. Learn how to handle the negative feelings that may arise from the differences. Stonewalling or avoiding conflicts is NOT managing them.

7. Communicate.
If you don’t understand or like something your partner is doing, ask about it and why he or she is doing it. Talk it out, don’t assume.

8. Solve problems as they occur.
Don’t let anger simmer. Most of what goes wrong in relationships can be traced to hurt feelings. This can lead to walls being built and eventually breaking the relationship…or creating enemies.

9. Learn to negotiate.
Modern relationships no longer rely on roles. Couples should create their own roles. Every decision should be though through and negotiated by both parties. Because people’s needs are fluid and change
over time, and life’s demands change too, good relationships are negotiated and renegotiated all the time.

10. Listen — truly listen– to your partner’s concerns and complaints without judgment.
Much of the time, just having someone listen is all we need. It opens the door to confiding, confiding to trust and trust to a better outlook. Empathy is crucial especially in understand things from your partner’s perspective.

11. Work hard to maintain closeness.
Closeness doesn’t happen by itself. In absence, people drift apart and are susceptible to affairs. A good relationship isn’t an end goal; it is a lifelong process maintained via regular attention.

12. Take a long-range view on life together.
A marriage is an agreement to spend a future together. Check out your dreams with each other regularly to make sure you’re both on the same track. Update your dreams regularly!

13. Never underestimate the power of good grooming.
Enough said.

14. Sex is good. Pillow talk is better.
Sex is easy, intimacy is difficult. Intimacy requires honesty, openness, self-disclosure, fears, sadnesses as well as hopes and dreams.

15. Never go to sleep angry.
Trust me, you don’t want the spat to continue in the morning. Try steps 8 and 10 again.

16. Apologize.
Anyone can make a mistake but repairing that mistake is crucial. Apologies can be clumsy, funny, even sarcastic—but willingness to make up after an argument is central to every happy relationship.

17. Some dependency is good, but complete dependency is bad.
We’re all dependent to a degree — on friends, close family members, partners — and men have just as many dependency needs as women.

18. Maintain self-respect and self-esteem.
It’s easier for someone to like you and to be around you when you like yourself. Research has shown that the more roles people fill, the more sources of self-esteem they have. Get out and volunteer or join a committee at work. Make sure to be SURE of yourself.

19. Enrich your relationship by bringing into it new interests from outside the relationship.
The more passions in life that you have and share, the richer your relationship will be. It is unrealistic to expect one person to meet all of your needs in life.

20. Cooperate.
Share responsibilities. Relationships work ONLY when they are two-way streets. You must give as well as take.

21. Be spontaneous.

22. Keep up with your health.
Exercise…this ties in with number 18 as well. When you look better, you feel better.

23. Recognize that all relationships have their ups and downs.
You cannot be on “cloud 9″ all the time. No relationship is perfect. Working together through the hard times will make the relationship even stronger.

24. Make good sense of a bad relationship.
Examine it as a reflection of your beliefs about you. Don’t just run away from a bad relationship. You’ll either run straight into another bad one or turn your anger onto your next partner. Use it as a mirror to look at yourself. Understand what part of you is creating this relationship. Change yourself before you change your relationship.

25. Understand that love is not an absolute.
Love is not a limited commodity that you’re in of or out of. You must learn how to treat one another. If you learn new ways to interact, the feelings can come flowing back, often stronger than before.

I am always surfing the net tyring to find information to help the broke/cheap romantic.

I ran across these cute ideas to celebrate your love on a budget:

My best anniversary idea was actually one I suggested to a friend for her first anniversary with her boyfriend. I told her to get a big piñata and fill it with her boyfriends favorite chocolates, confetti, streamers, rose petals and other fun stuff. The next thing to do was to write 12 reasons why she loves him (12 for the number of months they’ve been together) on pieces of cardstock and put them in the piñata too. She could then blindfold her boyfriend and get him to try to hit it. When it breaks open he will be showered with all the things that were inside it!

My girlfriend LOVES Hershey’s kisses. So I bought a couple of big bags and counted out 101 of them (and ate any spares!). Next I cut out 101 small card heart shapes, which I then wrote 101 things I love about her on. For example, I love the way your eyes seem to shine when you smile, I love the way your lips taste, +99 more. A first I thought maybe I’d bitten off more than I could chew, and wondered if id make it to 101. But if you keep a small notepad with you in the day, you can jot down any ideas. Just remember special moments you’ve shared and favorite things to do together and hopefully you’ll get there.
I then glued each heart to the base of each kiss and placed them all in a confetti filled box with a card on the top reading: “101 kisses for 101 things I love about you!” She loved it, but refused to ever eat them as they looked too good to eat.

They say women like the bad boys. The guy that keeps us up crying in the middle of the night because we have no idea where they are. The guy who’s cell phone we wish we could check when it buzzes at all days and times of night. The guy who drinks too much and then stumbles into the house. Ladies, why do we do it to ourselves?

In the news recently, have been Amy Winehouse and Kate Moss. Both whose friends and families are hurt and upset because of their choices in men. Allegations recently have been that Amy’s new husband (of 3 months) has gotten her into drug abuse. Despite this, she remains loyal to him, refusing to go into rehab unless he accompanied her. Kate’s boyfriend has one foot in jail and the other out. These women make you want to bang their heads together. What is it about such highly successful women, who you’d think could have their pick of the fish in the sea that keeps them running back to such men? Neither women are stupid. But are both men equally smart? They both have something to gain from their famous significant others…

Could the appeal of these relationships be that they are so painful and destructive? Psychologists might agree that such cases are part of acting out of deep rooted self-hatred. People who engage in these types of relationship as a form of self-punishment do so usually in response to a notion of perceived personal failure. The fact that Kate and Amy are rich, talented and famous doesn’t matter - maybe, deep down, they don’t think they are worth being treated like a princess (every girl dreams of it…).

One way for women in such relationships to be able to remove themselves wholly from this situation is to address their underlying self-esteem issues through psychotherapy. This can be a long, drawn-out process and it’s frequently too painful for people to address what they have spent so long burying.

It’s no coincidence that both Amy and Kate have been associated with other self-destructive behaviors, such as alcohol or drug misuse. Their thought process is such that if someone else isn’t hurting them, they do it to themselves. These kinds of relationships are often also associated with co-dependency, whereby one person enters into a tumultuous relationship with another which they then become consumed by, rather than address their own problems.

This is a lesson for us all. We can never find someone suitable to love until we start to love ourselves. Maybe this is a lesson that we need to reiterate to both Amy and Kate. At this point, all their friends and families can do is hope this happens before things get any worse for them.

How can you charm a woman? Do they like a daily check-in phone call? Does she secretly wish you’d text her in the middle of the day for no reason but to make her smile? Do they prefer expensive dinners to home-cooked meals? Rock-hard abs? Flowers for no reason?
Identifying women’s turn-ons is complicated, because they all react differently. Some women you wish came with owner’s manuals so you knew exactly how they were wired. Luckily, I’ve done most of the legwork for you and am happy to pass this knowledge on to you.
Top 10 ways to charm a woman

1. Be aware. This means cracking open more than the sports section on the daily paper. Be up on current events and learn the difference between feelings, emotions and thoughts. Women are emotional beings and tend to think things through.
“They are attracted to men who are as smart or smarter”
They are attracted to men who are as smart or smarter than them, and your knowledge of worldly matters will demonstrate your intelligence.
2. Demonstrate humor. Women love a man who can make them laugh. Now don’t fret here if you’re not a stand-up comedian. We all have a certain type of humor. You can be dry, sarcastic, hilariously funny, quick-witted or dark. Being able to poke fun at yourself and just plain old being goofy is a turn-on for women. Keep in mind that all women are not attracted to the same type of humor, so if you don’t vibe, just walk away and try someone else.
3. Have passion. A guy who lives his life with gusto is incredibly appealing. When you speak to a woman about your life, your travels, your job, your interests, speak with passion. That passion about who you are will turn her on instantly. She will start to imagine what it will be like when you are involved with her and how passionate you will speak about her.
4. Be considerate. Pay attention to the little things and look for opportunities to make small gestures that show you care. A simple “How was your day?” and being able to listen to her when she wants to discuss something are huge. So many men forget about simple things like holding the door, paying for her valet or just thanking her for a great time last night. Women are all about a guy with manners — she is not attracted to the dope who acts like a caveman.
5. Be honest.
“Share who you are by telling her something personal”
Share who you are by telling her something personal. Maybe share one of your favorite childhood memories or some personal growth that you have been going through. Something that will show her that you are a trusting and honest person. It also shows that you are a confident but vulnerable man. Women love to see the vulnerable side of you. Note: Don’t talk about an ex in a bad way here. If you have to talk about an ex, do so in a positive manner and share what you learned and how you grew from the relationship.
6. Be flexibile. Be open to her plans but surprise her with your flexibility. Take charge and surprise her with a fun night out. Instead of being the typical guy who makes a reservation, think about how you can be the guy who listens to her and plans a great date that she did not expect. If you can pull this off, she will be open to all sorts of advances from you.
7. Be positive. If you are positive about life, it shows in your actions. I always tell men to be extra nice to waiters, bartenders and other service people. Be a courteous driver when she’s in the car. When you are in line at the movies, don’t complain. Look for the humor and try to have fun with people all around you. Be positive about everything, and she will find you to be very sexy and alluring. No one wants to be with a negative hothead.
8. Be balanced. Women love a successful, ambitious man. They love that you work hard, but if you constantly put work ahead of her she will become turned off. She will start to imagine what life with you will be like with her needs being ignored. If you are out meeting women to date, you need to balance your life between work and play. This will be a major turn-on for her.
9. Have ambition. Men who are ambitious about what they do are a turn-on to women. It doesn’t matter if you choose to be a rich stock trader or a painter, as long as you are passionate about who you are and what you do. If you don’t love what you do, find something that really turns you on. You can’t attract the woman you want with a negative ambition. Women love a man who is the best at what he does.
10. Be attentive. You are out with her for the very first time, and she tells you she loves a certain type of music. On the next date take her to a lounge that plays that type of music. It is all about paying attention to the details and working on your listening skills.

This list of 10 things will work in most cases. Keep in mind there is always the woman who you just can’t seem to please. If you happen to cross paths with this type of woman, ask yourself, “Why would I want to be with a woman who is so difficult?”
I tend to avoid the difficult, judgmental women. Knowing women’s turn-ons and putting them into practice will help you identify women who may be relationship material. You need to realize that you want to attract and turn on the women that are attracted to you on an equal level!

via [AttractandApproach.com]

Thousands of couples walked down the aisle on Saturday, 7-7-07, hoping all those 7s — the number long associated with luck — will keep them lucky in love. It’s one of the most popular wedding dates in modern history, according to overwhelmed wedding planners, florists, and photographers.

Relationship experts caution, however, that much more than luck is needed to stay together and beat the odds of a divorce, now estimated to end half of today’s marriages. Here, relationship experts consulted by WebMD offer their best marriage tips for how to stay lucky in love. And they go way beyond the usual tips to buy her flowers, cook his favorite meal, and remember to schedule date night.

Marriage Tip No. 1: Purge the “D’” word.

With the taste of wedding cake barely off their lips, divorce is the last thought — or word — on newlyweds’ minds. But as the honeymoon period wanes, and day-to-day difficulties crop up, the word can come up frequently during arguments for some couples, say relationship counselors.

“Just don’t go there,” suggests Steve Brody, Ph.D., a psychologist in Cambria, Calif., who counsels couples. “Some people pull that out much too early, and much too often in a relationship. It raises a whole level of anxiety [in the person hearing it].”

Divorce is also considered a dirty word by the more than 200 “marriage masters” interviewed for the book, “Project Everlasting.” Co-authors Mat Boggs and Jason Miller, bachelors and childhood buddies from Portland, Ore., traveled the country to interview the couples, married 40 or more years, and ask for their best marriage tips.

“Don’t use the D word” was one oft-repeated suggestion for keeping a happy marriage, Boggs says. These marriage masters told him, “You need all your energy to find the solution to a problem and work it out. If you are even giving any consideration to a divorce, you lessen your ability to solve the problem.”

Of course, Boggs says, the marriage masters acknowledged that some situations are deal breakers, such as addiction, adultery, or abuse. But when the problem is less severe, many of the marriage masters told him they create a “ledger of life.” They get out a piece of paper and write down everything they love about their spouse. Eventually, they shift gears and begin to focus on what is right, not what’s wrong.

Marriage Tip No. 2: Replace the seven deadly habits in a marriage with the seven caring habits.

Learning the seven bad habits and the seven good ones is the easy part, admit William Glasser, M.D., a Los Angeles psychiatrist, and his wife, Carleen

Glasser, M.A., who co-authored “Eight Lessons for a Happier Marriage,” include this idea in their book and counseling sessions. Putting them into practice takes effort, of course.

The seven deadly habits are criticizing, blaming, complaining, nagging, threatening, punishing, and bribing.

The seven caring habits include supporting, encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting, and negotiating your differences.

Marriage Tip No. 3: Take care of yourself.

This marriage tip is short and sweet: “Take care of yourself physically and spiritually,” Brody tells couples. That way, your stress will be down and your tolerance will be up. You’ll be less likely to get on each other’s nerves — and to squabble. You’re more likely to have a happy marriage.

Marriage Tip No. 4: Discuss outside friendships.

While some married couples consider activities such as workplace friendships with members of the opposite sex acceptable, some relationship experts disagree.

“I’m not big on cross-gender friendships for married people,” Brody says. “It’s playing with fire.” One exception, in his book: If a wife has a friendship with a gay man or a husband has a friendship with a gay woman, he’s fine with that, since the romance potential is nonexistent.

Otherwise, he says, the line is too easy and tempting to cross.

Marriage Tip No. 5: Stop trying to control your partner.

It’s another one of those easier-said-than done marriage tips, of course. But trying to control each other — using a technique psychologists call “external control” — is the main source of marital unhappiness, according to the Glassers. In a happy marriage, partners know they cannot control each other.

You have practiced this “external control” if you have ever told your partner they need to behave the way you want them to or that you know what is right.

Learning not to control a partner can be a long process, but the Glassers offer some tips on educating yourself. “Think first,” Carleen Glasser says. Ask yourself: “If I can only control my own behavior, what can I do to help the marriage?” Then think of what you can change to make the problem better, she suggests.

Marriage Tip No. 6: Honor and respect your partner.

“Be honoring all the time,” says Thomas Merrill. That means no “my old lady” stories, he says. And it also means a wife shouldn’t be flirting with male co-workers or other men.

Respect was also a marriage tip that came up often from the marriage masters, Boggs says. “The No. 1 principle that almost everyone talked about is respect,” he says. “You can have respect without love, but you cannot have love without respect.”

Respect, say those with a happy marriage, means not undermining your partner in front of the children. “And don’t go outside the marriage when you are having a problem,” Boggs says they advised. “Discuss it with your partner.”

Respect also means not criticizing your mate in front of others, Miller and Boggs were often told by the marriage masters. To make this marriage tip easier to practice, consider the input of one marriage master on the topic, Boggs says. “One man told me, ‘Let’s say someone is walking by when you are criticizing your mate. That is the only opinion they have of you.’”

Marriage Tip No. 7: If you’re the wife, lower your expectations. If you’re the husband, step up to the plate.

When Steve Brody and his wife, Cathy Brody, MFT, a marriage and family counselor, toured the country to promote their book, “Renew Your Marriage at Midlife,” they asked audiences what they wanted from marriage.

“Women expected to be loved, cherished, listened to, cared for, and courted,” Steve Brody says. They had a long list of wants and expectations, he recalls. The men joked that their expectations were more basic: Their typical answers, Brody says: “Bring food and show up naked.”

While the men were half joking, the gaps in expectations are a good lesson. To close the gap, Brody says, women need to lower their expectations — to not expect 24/7 romance, for instance, especially if their mate has just worked an unbelievably long week.

Men need to do some of the things the woman wants, such as prioritize their relationship and listen more, he says. In a nutshell, Brody says, “Men need to do the same things at home that they do at work.” He tells the husbands he counsels to think of it this way: “Your wife is the million-dollar client. If she walks out the door, the business is closed.”

[via WebMD]

Single is in! I’ll give you one good reason why you should remain single and if you don’t like that reason, I’ll give you four-teen more reasons why being single isn’t so bad.

1. Personal Belongings: Everything stays exactly where you put it and that’s where you’ll find it when you go back for it (unless your house is haunted).
2. Noise Level: Don’t feel like listening to loud music or a blaring television? Great news! You don’t have too!
3. The Bathroom: You’ll never have to fight over whether the toilet tissue is to be pulled “over or under”. You’re not on a schedule, there isn’t anyone getting in the shower before or after you. There’s no rush so, take a few extra minutes to brush your teeth (don’t forget your tongue). And WOW, you can even “use the bathroom” without closing the door (please, only try this trick at home).
4. Conversation: You can talk to yourself and answer (if you choose to) and no will ever ask who you’re talking to or question your sanity.
5. Closet Space: All of the closets belong to YOU (that’s a major plus ladies)!
6. Leftovers: That lasagna that you cooked last night and have been anxious to get home to all day will still be in the refrigerator when you get home.
7. Thermostat: You have complete and total control over the temperature in your home. Chances are, if you weren’t single you’d have to tolerate temperatures that aren’t found on a normal thermostat like, 1° Cooler than Hell or 3° below Frost Bite .
8. Undressing: Kick your shoes off wherever you want! Who’s going to complain? This rule even applies to undies.
9. Leaving/Returning Home: When you open your front door to walk in or walk out, you’re NEVER asked questions that are sometimes rather annoying such as, “Where have you been?” or “Where are you going?” Isn’t it obvious that you’re going out, when you open the door from the inside anyway?
10. Telephone Calls: You never have to stress your vocal cords by screaming, “Pick up the phone it’s for you!”
11. Uninvited/Unwanted Guests: You never have to entertain in-laws. Enough said?
12. Fighting Neighbors: You can sigh with relief when you hear the couple next door fighting and be thankful that you don’t have to go through that.
13. Decorating: You can make the decision to paint your walls red, white and blue with green clovers, yellow moons and orange oranges and never have to stop and ask, “What do you think?”
14. Bedtime: Jump in! The bed is ALL yours, either side. Sleep at the top, sleep at the bottom, you can even try sideways. You won’t have to worry about losing sleep due to someone’s snoring and that dried up drool on the pillowcase, it’s just yours!
15. Unbroken: Unbroken, a word found in the dictionary under the word single . Single means, unbroken. Unbroken means, not broken. And we all know how the saying goes, “If it’s not broken, don’t try to fix it.”

via [socyberty.com]