He tells you that he loves you. He tells you that you are the most beautiful woman in the world. He wants to take you out to dinner but you start blabbing off about how messy of an eater you are. Why do we do it? Down ourselves that is. Lack the confidence that any man wants and every woman deserves to have.

I have a friend that whenever I ask him about the new girl he is dating he responds, “She’s just how I like them. Super cute, with low self-esteem.” I usually laugh and then continue on with our conversation. That is, until I meet the girl…which by the way, all of his girl friends –past include—have always been attractive, but they always seem to be sizing me up as competition or questioning how they look. Now don’t get me wrong, it is always nice to have a second opinion on a new outfit, but to constantly berate or question yourself is another.

It is so hard nowadays to keep up with work, school and life at home. Stealing moments to keep your love alive are precious and few. Here are some ideas:
Make sure you start your day right as well as end your day right with a kiss.
Date Night – make one night of the week a night where you leave the Blackberry, Treo, PDA, etc. at home and focus on each other.
Relax time – Give your mate a 15 minute back rub when he gets home and vice versa.
Break for Lunch – Instead of taking your lunch break with the people from your office. Meet your mate for a quick bite to eat.
Dinner Time – Eat dinner at the table instead of in front of the tv. This way you can catch up on your day as well as spend some quality face time.

Instant Upgrade

Take the nooky positions you love and kick ‘em up a notch

Celeste Perron

It’s so easy to get lazy in bed. When the mood strikes, why contort like a Cirque du Soleil acrobat when 1) the fact that you’re already having satisfying sex is more than most people accomplish and 2) a simple you’re-on-top-tonight position can get the job done fine? But like anything easy — an energy bar for lunch, the treadmill at the gym, shopping on Bluefly.com — before long, you feel like you’re missing out on the really fun stuff. So every once in a while (seriously, even just once a month) live it up a little. For the best way to do that naked, we asked experts and real women to share their proven strategies for getting new thrills out of those same old positions you know and love.

Standby: Missionary

Gripe #1 “I can’t move the way I need to for an orgasm.”

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To get more wiggle room — for hip-grinding or to reach your clitoris with your fingers — start by having him sit back on his heels on the bed. Then lie back against a couple of pillows, place your legs on either side of his thighs, and have him grasp your hips and pull your pelvis toward his, er, crotch. You can rest the bottoms of your feet on the bed for balance and leverage or wrap them around his waist. Stack those pillows up high behind you to prevent all the blood from rushing to your head. Then again, that might just add to the excitement.

Gripe #2 “I can’t breathe when he’s on top.”

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It’s impossible to get swept away by passion when you’re oxygen-deprived. For more breathing space, ask him to support his weight on his forearms, suggests David Taylor, M.D., who teaches a sexuality class for couples at Arizona’s Miraval Life in Balance Resort. Put your hands on his chest to keep him there — guys get even lazier than we do. Because his body is now at a different angle to yours, his penis moves down more toward your tailbone, so the shaft can rub against your clitoris when he thrusts.

Standby: Woman on Top

Gripe #1 “I don’t get the G-spot stimulation I crave.”

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Being on top is the best way for you to control the rhythm and level of penetration, and it’s ideal for clitoral contact. But if you’re looking for the almighty G-spot power-gasm, it’s not going to do much for you. That’s because your G-spot is located a few inches up the front wall of the vagina, Dr. Taylor says. Meaning just out of thrusting range if you’re leaning forward or sitting upright, which most of us tend to do. Instead lean back, placing your hands behind you on his quads if you need the support. “From that angle his penis hits me in just the right place,” says Amy K., 27, a lab technician from Maplewood, New Jersey.

Gripe #2 “When I start to move, everything jiggles and I don’t feel sexy enough to enjoy myself.”

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Forget everything you’ve heard about how empowering and intimate it is to have sex with the lights on and just shut the damn things off — even the night-light. “If the reality is that you feel too self-conscious about your body to really let go in bed, then having sex in the dark will allow you to forget all about what you look like and just have some fun,” says Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of She Comes First. “There’s no point in doing the empowering thing if it’s not making you happy.” When you’re ready, fire up a candle and see how that makes you feel. Then light two, then three?until you feel comfortable doing it in broad daylight. On the beach!
Standby: Hands and Knees

Gripe #1 “It’s a turn-on, but it doesn’t give me the clitoral contact I need and want.”

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No amount of wrangling the classic from — behind positions is going to move your clitoris to a different anatomical location. But you can free it up — along with your hands — if he kneels and rests his butt on his heels and then you lower yourself onto his lap, like you’re sitting on a chair. Place your feet flat on the floor for balance and support — and so you can move up and down. If it sounds kind of like a workout, well, it is. But it feels so good you won’t even notice that you’re toning your calves and thighs.

Gripe #2 “It feels really impersonal because I can’t see his face or touch his body.”

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The thing about having sex with your partner behind you is that it exposes the back of your body to a host of erotic sensations usually only played out in front. Plus, you tap into a naughty feeling that can be insanely hot. To get all of that without sacrificing any intimacy, try lying on your stomach and have him lie flat on top of you (with some of his weight on his arms so he doesn’t squash you). “It’s more intimate because it provides lots of skin-on-skin contact,” Dr. Taylor says. Even if you can’t see him, you can hear his breath in your ear and feel the warmth of his body.

Standby: Side by Side

Gripe #1 “We have sideways sex when we’re both too tired to move. It’s not very erotic.”

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Sleepy sex is so under-rated, especially first thing in the A.M. Make the relaxed side-by-side position more exciting but just as effortless with what Julie D., 33, a personal trainer from Lakeville, New York, calls the “sideways split.” You lie on your back and he lies on his side perpendicular to you so that your bodies form a T shape, where your torso is the stem of the T. Drape one leg over his shoulder and the other over his calf. “I can control how much stimulation I’m getting by spreading my legs farther (for more) or closing them a bit (for less),” Julie says.

Gripe #2 “It’s hard to figure out what to do with all our limbs.”

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Damn those pesky arms and legs. To get them out of the way, try spooning, suggests Patti Britton, Ph.D., clinical sexologist and author of The Art of Sex Coaching. You both lie on your sides, but your back is to him and he enters you from behind. Since you’re facing away from him your limbs don’t get so tangled up. “This variation makes it easier for him to touch your breasts and clitoris, and it’s still very intimate,” Dr. Britton says.

Standby: Standing Up

Gripe #1 “We’re about the same height, so standing-up sex works if I stand on my tiptoes, but then my calves get tired!”

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Orgasms are elusive enough without having to maneuver around on your tippy-toes. To double the surface area you stand on and still get the extra few inches you need for the perfect pelvic matchup, break out the -highest heels you own — platform boots, wedges, pumps, doesn’t matter. Don’t have any heels that high? Buy a cheap (but stable) pair for this purpose alone. You never have to wear them out of the house, and he’ll get an extra thrill from seeing you in a pair of stilettos — which, for some still-a-mystery-to-us reason, guys seem to find hot.

Gripe #2 “I’m shorter than he is, so he needs to lift me. But then his arms get tired and I feel like he’s going to drop me.”

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Lisa G., 31, a copywriter from Houston, solves that problem by perching her butt on the edge of the desk in her home office (a sturdy table or kitchen counter will also work). “It has the spontaneous quality of standing-up sex, without him having to lift me,” she says. To make the most of the countertop approach, stick to the very edge of it so your clitoris stays front and center for maximum contact with his penis.

This hunky new guy started a few months ago. Ok, I am a professional, so let me back up a little bit. This extremely nice young man started a few months ago. Who am I kidding? He was hot! Not only hot but extremely nice. He moved here from out of state and we were fortunate enough to have him grace the grounds of our company.
Now, let’s back up in time a little. A couple of years ago, a naïve young woman started working at our company. A very sweet and cute young lady, but she was very naïve to the politics of the real world. She was in a horrible relationship and finally got the nerve to cut the guy off. She shared her personal business with everyone, yes EVERYONE. To the point that she became the butt of many jokes.
Fast forward to present date. The hunky guy sees me in the cafeteria and starts talking about how hard it is to find a good girl. That he is having the time of his life finding someone who completes him – I kid you not, he used a line from Jerry Maguire – in this new city that he calls home. He told me that he had a live-in girlfriend for a while back home and that their break-up was bad, but it had been over a year. So I asked him what his type was and told him that I would be on the lookout.
Back it up a couple of months. I am in the cafeteria with the naïve young woman and the hunky guy walks in. She tried her best to flirt with him…but he didn’t seem to reciprocate. He visits our offices regularly and she tries the same thing over and over again and he seems to brush her off to the point of being mean.
Fast forward to present date. So I am in the cafeteria with the naïve young woman and hunky guy appears. I told him that I think I found someone for him. He kind of shied away from me. I said it again and then he started asking probing questions about the new found girl. I told him and he said that he would talk to me later. So I grab my lunch and start heading away when the naïve young woman pulls me to the side. She says that she has a confession that she and the hunky guy have been dating well over 4 months. That they pretend as though they are not so that no one in the company would find out. She then begs me not to find anyone for him and that I keep my mouth closed. So I do as I am told.
Fast forward to yesterday. I am in hunky guy’s department and he just returned from being out sick. I asked him how he was doing and if he needed anything. I told him that our office was going to send some food to him while he was out but no one had his number. He confessed that the naïve young woman did. I said that I did not know that. He then turned and said, “Well, I think she likes me… like a whole lot. But I’m not into her that way. She doesn’t fit my type. I just really like her as a friend.”
What would you do in this scenario? She obviously likes him…but he is saying otherwise. She says that she stays overnight at his house. But he makes her leave when his friends come over. She spends money on him. But he rarely pays for anything for her. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. Should I tell her? Should I keep my mouth shut? What do you think? Let me know.

Making love

Over the years I have been aware of a distinction between having sex and making love. Recently I have come to see how far apart they are.

In his book ‘Indecent Practices and Erotic Trance: Making Sense of Tantra’, John Ryan Haule questions our use of the term ‘making love’ for anything sexual. I recently spoke about this during my workshops. As I did, I came to see how clear a concept ‘making love’ is.

We all know what sex is and maybe even have had some experience of making love. When I’ve spoken about the difference, everybody in the room has agreed. 

I’ve come to define sex as a goal-oriented genital activity. The goal is orgasm for at least one of the people involved, both if you’re lucky and/or know what you’re doing.

Making love is a different story. The words themselves tell us that we’re going to make something, we’re going to create it or build it, or mix the ingredients to get something more or different than when we began. And because it’s love that we’re making, our hearts are involved. Our mouths, our hands, our genitals, our bodies become a channel to express that love.

Aware and awake

This tells us that there’s an intention involved. We’re not unconscious of what we’re doing, it’s not out of habit, as is often the case with sex. We’re aware and awake. We’re creating something between us, or just with ourselves, that wasn’t there before.

This act of creation is really exciting because it’s done with pleasure, in the name of pleasure. It forces us to use aspects of our bodies and minds that we wouldn’t normally bring to a sexual encounter.

We have to take time to make love, get the mixture right, give it time to brew and bake, to heat and settle. So we slow down from the speed of the world, we can breathe. And we’re saying I’m important, you’re important, what we have is important. We have value. In valuing we are nourished.

And in making love we’re able to feel beautiful, whatever the body looks like. If you can give and receive pleasure at this level, you will feel beautiful. Think about the relief and peace you’ll feel accepting yourself because somebody, even yourself, loves you.

What about sex?

Now before you jump down my throat and say, ‘What about sex?’. Sex is wonderful, orgasms are great! I teach people how to have better sex, how to have awesome 20 minute orgasms.

But if sex is all there is, we have a problem. Because it’s not enough. If sex is all there is we will get bored, that is guaranteed.

Once we’ve done everything we possibly can, with every position, every orifice, once, twice, ten times, we will get bored and look for new levels of excitement elsewhere, or stop having sex.

What about those not in a relationship?

You’re not excluded from making love. This doesn’t mean orgasm-oriented masturbation. It means a sensual exploration of your body, your face, allowing your heart and your genitals to talk to each other, allowing your hands to express your heart’s love to your body, feeling and touching your own beauty.

Being open to your own self. For you are a sexual and sensual being in your own right, regardless of whether you’re in a relationship or not. You can make beautiful love to and with yourself. Wonderfully, gently, passionately.

Are sex and making love exclusive?

Of course not, you can make sexual love. Having become aware of this difference and talking about it in massage and touch workshops, it’s amazing to see how these experiences can become acts of love-making, where something real and tangible is made.

It’s also been incredible to watch people make love to themselves and not even touch their genitals.

In one of his songs, Nat King Cole sings about, ‘a strange, enchanted boy’, who teaches that:
the greatest gift you’ll ever learn,
is to love, and be loved in return.

Let’s Make Love! - (Jonti Searll, sensualist)

A friend of mine recently got married to her beau of many years. They dated but never lived together prior to getting married. She has been telling me how difficult it has been transitioning into living with someone. For instance, her main complaint is that he squeezes the toothpaste from the middle rather than the end. He also leaves his shavings in the sink…yuck! She claims that he is all around mess. My question is, “how could you not know this before you got married?” He’s yours now and there is no use trying to change a man’s ways.
She has been asking me what to do. I said to play his “dirty game”. But the more I think of it, this could backfire…especially since he is a dirty boy to begin with. Let me know what you think…or if you have been in this situation, what did you do?

Have you ever thought about breaking up with your boyfriend or girlfriend? Well if you haven’t, don’t start now. I was just sitting here thinking about the cost of love. When a relationship ends, you normally give your ex back their belongings. But have you ever thought of the damage financially that they have cost? The trips, the jewelry and fishing poles the … ahem…diamonds? Or what about the time wasted?? Time is money. Remember the opportunity cost discussed in accounting classes? Not excluding the fact that I am getting older too. Who is paying for my time wasted?

I had a boyfriend in college tell me that once you hit 25, you are past your prime and the next set of younger, cuter models begin to appear. Now that I am 25 (I am a woman — so you know my true age will never be revealed) I am starting to see the newer versions with the tighter bodies appear. I am no longer the center of attention when I walk in the room. Plus I am about $5,000 negative in the bank from all of the time and effort spent pleasing the ex. So what do I do? I just heard of a case in China where a man was ordered to pay his ex-girlfriend over $4,000 for emotional damages. Another case showed a couple setting up an IOU plan of over $14,000! What do you think? Weigh in.