People need to love and be loved. Yet many people have trouble doing so. This is by no means an exhaustive list…but it is a start.
1. Choose a partner wisely and well.
We are attracted to people for all sorts of reasons. One could be that they remind us of someone from our past. Another that they spend money on us — buying gifts and making us feel important. Evaluate a potential partner as you would a friend; look at their character, personality, morals, their generosity of spirit, the relationship between their words and actions, their relationships with others (family is important).
2. Know your partner’s beliefs about relationships.
Different people have different outlooks on relationships. And please believe that this can sometimes be conflicting. You don’t want to fall in love with someone who expects lots of dishonesty in relationships; they’ll create it where it doesn’t exist.
3. Don’t confuse sex with love.
Men are especially good at differentiating this. Especially in the beginning of a relationship, attraction and pleasure in sex –aka lust– are often mistaken for love.
4. Know your needs and make sure they are heard.
A relationship is not a guessing game. Men and women fear stating their needs and as a result, their partners are left clueless. The latter result is disappointment and possible anger at a partner for not having met their “unstated” needs. In order to become close as a couple, you must be honest with one another…please remember that your partner is not a mind reader.
5. View yourselves as a team.
A team brings people together with a goal. They may have a different perspective or strengths, but they continue pressing forward to teach and learn together.
6. Know how to respect and manage differences.
This is the true key to a successful relationship. Disagreements don’t end relationships however, name-calling does. Learn how to handle the negative feelings that may arise from the differences. Stonewalling or avoiding conflicts is NOT managing them.
7. Communicate.
If you don’t understand or like something your partner is doing, ask about it and why he or she is doing it. Talk it out, don’t assume.
8. Solve problems as they occur.
Don’t let anger simmer. Most of what goes wrong in relationships can be traced to hurt feelings. This can lead to walls being built and eventually breaking the relationship…or creating enemies.
9. Learn to negotiate.
Modern relationships no longer rely on roles. Couples should create their own roles. Every decision should be though through and negotiated by both parties. Because people’s needs are fluid and change
over time, and life’s demands change too, good relationships are negotiated and renegotiated all the time.
10. Listen — truly listen– to your partner’s concerns and complaints without judgment.
Much of the time, just having someone listen is all we need. It opens the door to confiding, confiding to trust and trust to a better outlook. Empathy is crucial especially in understand things from your partner’s perspective.
11. Work hard to maintain closeness.
Closeness doesn’t happen by itself. In absence, people drift apart and are susceptible to affairs. A good relationship isn’t an end goal; it is a lifelong process maintained via regular attention.
12. Take a long-range view on life together.
A marriage is an agreement to spend a future together. Check out your dreams with each other regularly to make sure you’re both on the same track. Update your dreams regularly!
13. Never underestimate the power of good grooming.
Enough said.
14. Sex is good. Pillow talk is better.
Sex is easy, intimacy is difficult. Intimacy requires honesty, openness, self-disclosure, fears, sadnesses as well as hopes and dreams.
15. Never go to sleep angry.
Trust me, you don’t want the spat to continue in the morning. Try steps 8 and 10 again.
16. Apologize.
Anyone can make a mistake but repairing that mistake is crucial. Apologies can be clumsy, funny, even sarcastic—but willingness to make up after an argument is central to every happy relationship.
17. Some dependency is good, but complete dependency is bad.
We’re all dependent to a degree — on friends, close family members, partners — and men have just as many dependency needs as women.
18. Maintain self-respect and self-esteem.
It’s easier for someone to like you and to be around you when you like yourself. Research has shown that the more roles people fill, the more sources of self-esteem they have. Get out and volunteer or join a committee at work. Make sure to be SURE of yourself.
19. Enrich your relationship by bringing into it new interests from outside the relationship.
The more passions in life that you have and share, the richer your relationship will be. It is unrealistic to expect one person to meet all of your needs in life.
20. Cooperate.
Share responsibilities. Relationships work ONLY when they are two-way streets. You must give as well as take.
21. Be spontaneous.
22. Keep up with your health.
Exercise…this ties in with number 18 as well. When you look better, you feel better.
23. Recognize that all relationships have their ups and downs.
You cannot be on “cloud 9″ all the time. No relationship is perfect. Working together through the hard times will make the relationship even stronger.
24. Make good sense of a bad relationship.
Examine it as a reflection of your beliefs about you. Don’t just run away from a bad relationship. You’ll either run straight into another bad one or turn your anger onto your next partner. Use it as a mirror to look at yourself. Understand what part of you is creating this relationship. Change yourself before you change your relationship.
25. Understand that love is not an absolute.
Love is not a limited commodity that you’re in of or out of. You must learn how to treat one another. If you learn new ways to interact, the feelings can come flowing back, often stronger than before.