Rosecry

“I still want to be friends.” “We’re better as friends than lovers.” Those words are the kiss of death in many relationships. Are they simply said to soften the blow or are they genuine? Even with the best of intentions, it’s tough to become buddies after a breakup. According to a 2004 NBC.com poll, 48% of people surveyed said they remained friends with their ex. And 18% of those surveyed said that they’ve tried, but it didn’t work. Can you really be friends with a former lover? Find out now. Plus: Are you over your ex?

There’s no way around it – breaking up is hard to do, as most of us know from first-hand experience. Ending a relationship is especially painful when you’ve invested a lot of time and emotional energy.

Naturally, the thought of never seeing or speaking to your loved one again is scary. That’s why so many couples want to remain friends. And that’s why so many women believe a platonic relationship is better than losing someone entirely.

Staying friends with your ex depends on the nature of the romance. Did you start as pals or commit to each other shortly after meeting? How long did the relationship last? Was the breakup mutual or was one party blindsided? Did a betrayal occur? Do you have children together?

Answering the questions above will give you a clearer sense of whether or not post-relationship friendship is realistic. If you’re still unsure, ask yourself the following four questions before agreeing to turn your ex into your buddy.

1. What Will the Nature of the Friendship Be?
Will you remain close or does “Let’s just be friends” mean you’ll simply be pleasant when you happen to bump into each other?

There are different types of friendships: friends you go out with, friends you see only on occasion, friends in whom you confide everything. Which category will your ex fall into? He may not fit neatly into any of them because of your relationship’s complicated nature.

Maybe you’ll continue your Thursday night bowling dates, but will you be able to share the things that real friends do? It may prove especially tricky if you’re used to sharing your innermost thoughts with him. Once you break up, it can be hard to know what’s OK to discuss and what’s too personal to disclose.

What level of friendship do you want? If you want your ex to be more acquaintance than BFF, you’ll probably be able to come to terms with the breakup and get on with your life. If you’re hoping to continue a deep friendship, on the other hand, you’ll probably run into some confusion down the line.

2. Can You Take Passion Out of the Equation?
Chances are, the two of you shared some intimate moments. And as the old saying goes, sex changes everything. Relationships end, but that doesn’t mean attraction falls by the wayside. Watch out for leftover lust; it can send your move from passionate to platonic up in smoke. After all, you can’t have your cake and eat it, too.

No matter how much you pledge not to become “friends with benefits,” it’s not easy resisting the urge to grab your ex’s hand or to get frisky. Needless to say, doing so slows the recovery process and often puts you through an emotional wringer.

3. What About Other Romantic Prospects?
After a breakup, dating might seem like the last thing you want to do. But eventually it will happen. And staying friends with your ex could sabotage a future romance. Most people are far from keen on the idea of you fraternizing with a past lover. In fact, it breeds jealousy and distrust in new relationships. Another key question to ask yourself: How will you feel when your ex starts dating other women?

4. Can You Truly Move On?
This is an especially important question to ask if you didn’t initiate the breakup.

Hanging onto the “friendship” can prevent you from opening the next chapter of your life. Whether it’s getting back in the dating scene or finding a new group of friends to hang out with, clinging to your ex (especially if the relationship didn’t end on good terms) can delay your healing process.

And if the breakup wasn’t mutual, a friendship could be fueling false hopes for one of you. Are you prepared to break up, make up and then do it all over again? Even if the relationship ended for a good reason, you can still repeat an unhealthy cycle.

The hardest part of breaking up is the reality that you won’t be involved in your ex’s daily life anymore. And remaining friends might feel like a good way to ease the blow. But you need to think about what’s best for you in the long term, even when you’re devastated.

That’s why there’s nothing wrong with taking time between the breakup and the “let’s stay friends” decision. Odds are, you’ll realize it’s not as realistic as you’d hoped, and that ultimately it’s better to reestablish a friendship after you’ve both distanced yourselves from the relationship and gained more perspective.

So, should you be friends with your ex? Only you can decide. Do yourself a favor by answering the tough questions honestly and proceeding with caution.

By Emily Battaglia @ Lifescript.com