“I still want to be friends.” “We’re better as friends than lovers.” Those words are the kiss of death in many relationships. Are they simply said to soften the blow or are they genuine? Even with the best of intentions, it’s tough to become buddies after a breakup. According to a 2004 NBC.com poll, 48% of people surveyed said they remained friends with their ex. And 18% of those surveyed said that they’ve tried, but it didn’t work. Can you really be friends with a former lover? Find out now. Plus: Are you over your ex?

There’s no way around it – breaking up is hard to do, as most of us know from first-hand experience. Ending a relationship is especially painful when you’ve invested a lot of time and emotional energy.

Naturally, the thought of never seeing or speaking to your loved one again is scary. That’s why so many couples want to remain friends. And that’s why so many women believe a platonic relationship is better than losing someone entirely.

Staying friends with your ex depends on the nature of the romance. Did you start as pals or commit to each other shortly after meeting? How long did the relationship last? Was the breakup mutual or was one party blindsided? Did a betrayal occur? Do you have children together?

Answering the questions above will give you a clearer sense of whether or not post-relationship friendship is realistic. If you’re still unsure, ask yourself the following four questions before agreeing to turn your ex into your buddy.

1. What Will the Nature of the Friendship Be?
Will you remain close or does “Let’s just be friends” mean you’ll simply be pleasant when you happen to bump into each other?

There are different types of friendships: friends you go out with, friends you see only on occasion, friends in whom you confide everything. Which category will your ex fall into? He may not fit neatly into any of them because of your relationship’s complicated nature.

Maybe you’ll continue your Thursday night bowling dates, but will you be able to share the things that real friends do? It may prove especially tricky if you’re used to sharing your innermost thoughts with him. Once you break up, it can be hard to know what’s OK to discuss and what’s too personal to disclose.

What level of friendship do you want? If you want your ex to be more acquaintance than BFF, you’ll probably be able to come to terms with the breakup and get on with your life. If you’re hoping to continue a deep friendship, on the other hand, you’ll probably run into some confusion down the line.

2. Can You Take Passion Out of the Equation?
Chances are, the two of you shared some intimate moments. And as the old saying goes, sex changes everything. Relationships end, but that doesn’t mean attraction falls by the wayside. Watch out for leftover lust; it can send your move from passionate to platonic up in smoke. After all, you can’t have your cake and eat it, too.

No matter how much you pledge not to become “friends with benefits,” it’s not easy resisting the urge to grab your ex’s hand or to get frisky. Needless to say, doing so slows the recovery process and often puts you through an emotional wringer.

3. What About Other Romantic Prospects?
After a breakup, dating might seem like the last thing you want to do. But eventually it will happen. And staying friends with your ex could sabotage a future romance. Most people are far from keen on the idea of you fraternizing with a past lover. In fact, it breeds jealousy and distrust in new relationships. Another key question to ask yourself: How will you feel when your ex starts dating other women?

4. Can You Truly Move On?
This is an especially important question to ask if you didn’t initiate the breakup.

Hanging onto the “friendship” can prevent you from opening the next chapter of your life. Whether it’s getting back in the dating scene or finding a new group of friends to hang out with, clinging to your ex (especially if the relationship didn’t end on good terms) can delay your healing process.

And if the breakup wasn’t mutual, a friendship could be fueling false hopes for one of you. Are you prepared to break up, make up and then do it all over again? Even if the relationship ended for a good reason, you can still repeat an unhealthy cycle.

The hardest part of breaking up is the reality that you won’t be involved in your ex’s daily life anymore. And remaining friends might feel like a good way to ease the blow. But you need to think about what’s best for you in the long term, even when you’re devastated.

That’s why there’s nothing wrong with taking time between the breakup and the “let’s stay friends” decision. Odds are, you’ll realize it’s not as realistic as you’d hoped, and that ultimately it’s better to reestablish a friendship after you’ve both distanced yourselves from the relationship and gained more perspective.

So, should you be friends with your ex? Only you can decide. Do yourself a favor by answering the tough questions honestly and proceeding with caution.

By Emily Battaglia @ Lifescript.com

We’ve all heard the saying, “It’s the thought that counts,” and this is especially true when giving a gift in a relationship. Simple gifts given to a loved one, don’t have to be for any reason other than to let them know that you care and are thinking of them and these gifts don’t have to be expensive. With a little creativeness you can give your loved one a gift that shows how much you love them and value your relationship for under $10.

The key to giving inexpensive gifts is to make sure they are something that the person you are giving the gift to will really cherish and appreciate. To give a really great inexpensive gift you have to think beyond the generic gifts of perfumed soaps and lotions for women and ties and socks for men. In giving inexpensive gifts try to personalize the gift to reflect the personality or hobbies of the recipient of the gift.

One inexpensive gift idea for a person who enjoys cooking is a specialty cookbook such as a dessert or ethnic cookbook. Interesting cook books can often be found in the discount section of book stores for less than $10. For an additional twist try making one of the dishes in the cookbook yourself and serving it when you present the gift to your loved one. Your loved one will appreciate the gesture and enjoy sharing the dish with you and will remember that moment fondly when using the cookbook.

For a sentimental soul, give a gift of personal photos arranged in a photo album in a unique way. Photo albums can be found for just a few dollars in convenience stores and you can use existing photos to fill the pages. The key to this gift is to present the photos in an original way. Try creating a photo album with a theme such as one that documents your relationship from courtship to your current stage or one that highlights the trips you have taken together.

The runner in your life will appreciate an inexpensive stopwatch or pedometer. While these gadgets can get pricey you can still find models that perform the basic functions for under $10. This gift lets you know that you are thinking of them and that you understand their hobby. They will appreciate your interest in their activities. You can even include a note letting them know you would love to join them for a run one day.

Another inexpensive gift idea is a basket filled with homemade cookies, breads or other goodies. If you know that your sweetheart has a sweet tooth, invest a few hours of your time to bake up some tasty treats for your loved one just to let them know you are thinking of them. They will not only enjoy the treat you have prepared but will also appreciate the effort that went into the gift. If the person you are baking the goodies for is on a special diet, be sure to incorporate their dietary needs into your recipe.

A homemade coupon book is always a welcomed gift and can certainly be made for under $10. Create coupons on your computer or by hand for services that you know your loved one will enjoy and include a small gift to go with the theme of the coupon book. For example the man in a relationship where the couple has children could give the woman a bottle of nail polish along with coupons offering his services as a babysitter while she goes out for a manicure with a friend. She will appreciate that you are sending her out to be pampered while you get a chance to enjoy some time with the kids. In giving this gift try to think of something your partner will appreciate but won’t splurge on for themselves.

Search the discount DVD bins for ones that are less than $10. Believe it or not, they are available and you just might find one that would make a great gift for someone you love. Inexpensive DVDs are often less mainstream and you could use that originality to try something new. If your partner is always trying to get you to go dancing but you keep refusing, you might find an instructional video on flamenco dancing or square dancing. Invite your loved one over and try following the video together.

Flowers don’t have to cost a fortune. You may spend hundreds on red roses for Valentine’s Day but for everyday occasions or for no reason at all, you could stop by your local supermarket and pick up a bouquet of colorful wild flowers from their floral department. Ditch the cellophane wrapper that the flowers come in and arrange them in a vase yourself or tie them with a pretty ribbon. Pre-arranged bouquets such as these are often available for under $10.

A CD filled with songs that your loved one enjoys or that have special meaning for you as a couple makes a wonderful and inexpensive gift. For under $10 you could easily use your computer to assemble a CD of meaningful songs. You could even create a CD cover that conveys the message you want to send with the CD.

Outdoor enthusiasts will enjoy a trip to a local National Park to hike, observe wildlife and enjoy the outdoors so surprise your partner with a day trip to the park. Entry fees for many National Parks are under $10 and you and your loved one will have the opportunity to spend quality time together. Pack a picnic lunch and spend the day enjoying nature and each others company.

If your loved one enjoys working out, a jump rope is a gift that you can give them for less than $10. This inexpensive gift will not only remind them of their childhood but also demonstrate that you understand them and realize that fitness is important in their life. An even better idea is to buy one for yourself as well and challenge your loved one to a friendly competition.

Gift giving doesn’t have to be expensive and doesn’t have to be for a specific occasion. Surprise your partner with well thought out gifts that reflect their interests. With a little creativity you can give your loved one a gift that shows how well you know them and they are in your thoughts every day and you don’t have to spend more than $10 to do so.

www.kissmegoodnight.com

Online dating has taken dating to a whole new level. There is instant access to people and profiles, photos and videos, and their ideas, beliefs and opinions. People are less inhibited when they are online. You can really find out so much about a person from their initial profile. You will know right away if this is someone of interest to you. That’s what makes online dating the tool to instant gratification. No more blind dates. No more wasted time. You can be selective in your choices. There are so many people looking for love, relationships and commitment. Is there someone out there looking for you?

• Honesty is the most important item when considering writing your profile. This is the first impression. You don’t want it to be the last impression. Lying about your age, sex, preferences, demographics (height, body type, religion, etc) is a big mistake. Would you want to date someone who is not honest from the start?

• Check your spelling? Not everyone majored in English, but try to find the right words helps. Again, this is a first impression. We all make mistakes, but take pride in your profile.

• Keep your profile neat and clean. Selling sex is not the way to a person’s heart. If you choose to show your naked body to others than at least pick a site that promotes nudity and sex. The casual dating sites frown on nude photos and videos. Use discretion. You are more than your photo anyway. Choose a photo that is clear, not blurry. Show your best side. Publish more than one photo and promote your interests through your photos.

• Tell enough about yourself to attract interest, but leave some out to allow for mystery. Others will either find you interesting and attractive or not. Please don’t include personal, financial, or identifying information in your profile (i.e. bank account info, phone numbers, personal emails, address, etc.)

• Have fun with your profile. Be real and be honest, but most of all have fun. Writing a profile when you are in a good mood is the best time. Would you want to meet a person whose profile is full of drudgery and depression? Your personality will shine through when the mood is right. Online dating doesn’t have to be a job. It can be fun and exciting.

So where do you go from here. Take the tips and try to create a profile that is attractive, concise, and honest. Have fun with it and when you see it published be proud of who you are promoting…you!

Extreme Breakup Recovery
Maximum Healing – Minimum Time

If you are going through the emotional rollercoaster of a breakup, feeling pain, anger and depression, know this: You don’t need to suffer one more day over your ex! It doesn’t matter how long you have suffered, it is time to give up the pain and open up to a life free of pain, and use this breakup to your benefit.

You may feel that you can’t stop clinging on to the past, but by clinging on to the past, you are stopping life. Life is change; people come and go in your life, and that is okay. As you grow, new people will come and some may leave. It is all for your own good. The tendency to cling to the old and avoid change is a common human trait. Unfortunately, it is also a self-defeating and self-destructive habit, and completely unnecessary.

I have seen too much suffering and pain from breakups. Friends, family members, clients and acquaintances have gone through long periods of pain before getting over their exes. It took them a long time before healing their hearts and opening for love again. From the outside, it was obvious that their exes were not the right people for them in the first place, or that their relationship had become stagnant and even sour. Finally the breakup occurred, followed by a long period of pain, suffering and ultimately a slow healing. (A long, painful recovery can create long lasting negative consequences in life, such as loss of a job, poor school performance, depression, weight problems, and many more).

Years later, after the breakup, I found them happier than ever, with a loved one. That new person seemed to be almost a perfect match. Looking back into their lives, they realized that unless they went through that breakup, finding their true love would not have happened. So, why couldn’t they accept that this breakup was for their own good in the first place? Why couldn’t they get over it faster, rather than taking months or years to do so? Why did they have to go through years or months of suffering? Why did they waste so much precious time of their lives?

After a breakup, everybody has two choices. One, leave the healing to time. Two, take charge of the recovery process. The first method will take a long time, pain and suffering before healing. It is slow and torturous. The second method, taking control, will allow anyone to accelerate the healing process, learn fast and move on, leaving space to find healthier and more fulfilling love than ever before. You may need some guidance on the steps for a fast and productive emotional healing. We have never been taught how to heal emotionally, so when we go through an emotional situation we are on our own. We need a method, a successfully proven method for emotional healing.

The Extreme F.A.S.T. method is an effective, simple and practical alternative to heal faster than you thought possible. Three facts make this method a very exciting proposition: First, it works; second, anyone can follow it and get results; third, it creates permanent change in the negative pattern of relationships. I must warn you: the Extreme F.A.S.T. method is not for people who want to suffer, cling on to the past, or keep repeating the same patterns in their relationships. This method is the ultimate healing tool: a quick, productive, effective and confronting method to heal as fast as you can. The steps are: Face It, Accept It, See The Lessons and Take Yourself To A New Level.

The first step is to Face It. The alternative to facing it, is denying it. Even though denial is a “natural” stage in any healing process it is unnecessary and it only creates prolonged suffering. You can accelerate your healing process by facing it. Even though it will be painful, it will feel so good afterwards. Some of the realities you need to face are: you have been hurt, you are emotional, you feel lonely and empty, and the most important one, it is over. This first step is intense and filled with emotional release. To make it easier, express your feelings and emotions privately, avoid self-destructive behaviors (such as drinking and casual sex) and be your own best friend.

The second step in the Extreme F.A.S.T. healing process is to Accept It. Acceptance means to surrender to what is real, versus what we wish were real. Acceptance also means that we can look into ourselves for honest answers. We can see how we contributed to the situation and how we were partly responsible for it. Among the things you need to accept are, that you have idealized your ex, you are there were “warning signs” and suffering helps you avoid your life.

The third step is to see the lessons. Life is always guiding us to what is best for us. Through joyful and painful experiences, we learn lessons that help us grow. Sometimes the only way we pay attention to our deep needs, is when we experience pain and suffering. These are the lessons you need to see about: self-esteem, your definition of love, and your choice of a partner. As you learn from these areas you are growing and preparing to get the love you truly deserve. An important question to ask yourself as you see your lessons: Is there anything that you fear about long term relationships?

The fourth and last step of the Extreme F.A.S.T. method is to Take Yourself To A New Level. This means to get to a new level in your life where you can start living your life in a more fulfilling way. Many of the apparently negative experiences we have in our lives guide us to explore new alternatives for ourselves. We may learn new ways of taking care of ourselves, new ways of feeling good about ourselves and new ways of relating to others. By taking small risks that feel comfortable for us, we grow and develop a new sense of self. Your new level of growth will include new levels of: Self-esteem and confidence, positive relationships, passion and Fun, and Love in your life.

By going through these steps, the Extreme F.A.S.T method can really help you accelerate your healing and get ready for a new love. But the first love you need to develop is with yourself. As you realize that the outside world is a reflection of your internal world, you may want to pay more attention to your feelings, emotions and needs. The pain that some experiences bring into your life is generally a call for you to pay more attention to yourself. So why not start now.

When you choose a method to use and follow in your breakup or divorce recovery, you are already on the path to healing. You have a choice; use your free will to choose what is best for YOU.

It requires a lot of courage and strength to want to heal fast. It would be easier to follow the mass belief that after a breakup we will go through a lot of pain and suffering for years, or at least months. However, you can make a different choice. You can believe in your own capacity to heal fast, in your own ability to get on with your life as soon as possible. You don’t need to waste precious time suffering and dwelling on the past. You can get the love you truly deserve. Your true partner is already on the way; the more you suffer and prolong your healing, the more you will delay his or her arrival.

Make your choice: Time or Extreme Breakup Recovery?

© 2005 Jeanette Castelli. Adapted from “Extreme Breakup Recovery” by Jeanette Castelli, M.S. A do it yourself Workshop-In-A-Book®. Features a step-by-step guidance through the Extreme F.A.S.T. method: proven for quick, permanent and productive recovery from any breakup or divorce. Includes exercises, worksheets and affirmations. Book available at bookstores and online retailers worldwide. ISBN: 0-9742061-3-X. For more information, visit website: http://www.Breakup.Urbantex.com/ Email: postmaster@urbantex.com

Do you find yourself stuck in a bad relationship?

By bad I mean one that feels empty, where there are no feelings of intimacy or love, where there is emotional or physical abuse and so on.

One of the main reasons that individuals remain caught in such unsatisfying or abusive relationships is due to the “fear of letting go”.

This fear often may have many underlying roots to it. For instance there may be:

1. A fear of being alone.

2. A fear of feeling a deep sense of emptiness.

3. A fear that no one else will ever love you.

4. A fear of taking full responsibility for your life and/or looking after yourself.

5. A need to try to perpetuate some past abusive relationship in the current one.

6. A need to distract one’s self from painful feelings that may emerge when the distraction of the current relationship is gone.

7. A fear that one will decompensate or fragment emotionally and/or physically.

Clearly the fact that the relationship is not working is a sign of concern. More concerning however is feeling incapable of exercising a free choice to leave it when all measures to rectify the situation have failed.

The factors mentioned above often are the result of traumatic relational experiences that you have stored in your mind/body and which originate in early childhood.

What is important for you to know is that such experiences limit your ability to have a fulfilling and satisfying life.

Many individuals seek out therapy of one sort or another to lessen the impact of such life history on their relationships but find that even after all is said and done this toxicity is still held deep inside them.

If you look at how it feels to recall any negative memory, even one that you may have worked on in therapy I think you will recognize that there are always negative feelings and/or negative feelings about yourself associated with it.

These feelings will always limit you in your relational life.

In over 20 years as a psychiatrist I trained in almost every psychotherapeutic modality known. In spite of all of this training it has been my experience that most therapies are of limited use in dealing with such past issues.

It was for that reason the I left this paradigm and developed a modality that goes beyond “therapy” which helps restore you to your true nature by helping you essentially release permanently and completely such negative history from your mind/body.

This modality called the Mind Resonance Process(TM) (MRP) has helped hundreds of individuals reclaim full control over their relational lives.

If you would like to learn more about MRP kindly visit the web link below where you can download a free audio or arrange an introductory consultation with me over the telephone.