1. After you get engaged, put a moratorium on planning — or even talking about planning — for at least six weeks. Or longer. Take time to let things
soak in.

2. Once you decide when and where you’re getting married, pat yourselves on the back. If you accomplish that, the two of you can handle anything else in
this process.

3. Take marriage education courses. I give detailed descriptions of this somewhat mysterious (but growing) field and specific recommendations in the
book, but www.smartmarriages.org is a great place to find a class to get you started.

4. Limit your consumption of wedding media. Take magazines and TheKnot.com in small doses.

5. Treat your in-laws like family from the moment you get engaged. But remember: Blood fights with blood. Let your husband-to-be handle his side of
the family; you handle yours. And no matter which side of the aisle they’ll be sitting on, the people who love you and want to be a part of the wedding
deserve your caring and consideration. Be as diplomatic as you possibly can be. It’s not just your day.

6. Find a candid, caring, recently married female friend who can be your sounding board. Go to her first when you’re upset.

7. Make time for yourself. No matter how busy you get, don’t abandon your old routines. In fact, guard your “alone time” even more fiercely. Work out
at least once a week; don’t even think about skipping. Yoga is the ideal engagement exercise. I also recommend keeping a journal.

8. Try to take the long view: Don’t let your imagination stall at the wedding day. (That approach is good both for keeping things in perspective
and for keeping you out of debt.)

9. Honor glances backwards at previous relationships — yours, and your fiancé’s.

10. Don’t be afraid of or discouraged by fighting with your fiancé. Allow for ebbs and flows in every kind of emotion during your engagement —
including how fondly you think of each other.

— from Kelly Bare’s book, “The F Word

Writer Kelly Bare gives her tips and advice to fiances in her book “The F Word: A Fiance Shares Her Story From ‘I Will’ to ‘I Do’.”

10. She’s Independent

If she is “The 1” then babysitting her is an exception and not the rule Once in a while, like if she’s had a rough day at work, it’s great to be her shoulder to cry on, but if she can’t seem to function without you and is constantly after you, she will eventually make you feel like you’re suffocating, which is a surefire way to get you running out the nearest exit. On the other hand, if she has her very own personality and opinions, can stand on her own two feet, both financially and emotionally, and is able to enjoy time away from you - while still missing you, of course - then she has fulfilled one of the 10 requirements for being “The 1″.

9. She’s Intelligent

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the bimbo routine gets real old, real fast. Instead of being the one in total control, you’ll find yourself trying to figure out what she’s really thinking behind those glazed eyes of hers - or if she’s actually thinking at all. An intelligent woman will constantly surprise you and keep you on your toes. She won’t let you get bored of her. Besides, it’s nice to have something to talk about between all that toe-curling sex. If this describes her, then she has fulfilled another one of the 10 requirements for being “The 1″.

8. She’s Sexual

While we’re on the topic, “The 1” has to be sexually compatible with you. For instance, if you’re into whips and leather and she’s more the “Frederick’s of Hollywood Lingerie” type, that’s a problem. The two of you have to be on the same page - or, at least, she has to be willing to wear leather and use a whip from time to time. Of course, this doesn’t imply that she has to know all the right moves straight away; it simply means that both of you have an undeniable attraction toward each other, and are able to communicate your desires verbally (or with physical cues). It is important that you please each other in the bedroom, or in the shower - whatever the case may be.  If this describes her, then she has fulfilled another one of the 10 requirements for being “The 1″.

7. She’s Gorgeous To You

I know, this one is kind of obvious, but important nonetheless. “The 1” will not only want to look good for you, but also for herself. She should always look her best and be well put together - matching lingerie is a definite plus. You have to be proud to have her on your arm and enjoy the sight of her in any light. And this doesn’t mean that she has to look like a supermodel. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so if you think her extra long nose or lazy eye are beautiful, that’s perfectly acceptable. If she is gorgeous to you, then she has fulfilled yet another one of the 10 requirements for being “The 1”

6. She Respects You

This is a very important. Your woman must respect you. This means that she listens to you, even if she doesn’t necessarily agree with what you’re saying. And, of course, she never tries to demean or belittle you in any way, shape or form. “The 1” won’t ever cause scenes in public or in front of your friends and family, and will always wait to discuss matters with you in private. If she respects you, chances are that she will behave in a tactful and diplomatic manner in most situations, which is definitely a good thing. It goes without saying that if she has this quality, she has come one step closer to being “The 1”

5. She Allows You To Be “A Guy”

Do not - I repeat - do not get involved with a woman who tries to get you to eat cottage cheese and fruit for breakfast and insists that you give up poker night with the guys. You will end up resenting her more than you can imagine. “The 1” lets you be a guy in all your glory, poker night and all. If she’s “The 1”, she’ll even bring you and your buddies a couple of beers and make you something to eat. She has to understand that men and women are different and should allow you to be yourself. Just like you wouldn’t deprive her of going shopping with her best girlfriend, she shouldn’t expect you to give up the guys for her. A very important quality that must be possessed if she stands any chance of being “The 1”.

4. She’s Doesn’t Nag

There is nothing worse than a nag! “The 1” knows this and chooses her battles wisely. She knows when to speak up and when to let it slide. She is definitely not “The 1” if she gives you hell for leaving a couple of dishes in the sink occasionally. However, if you live together and you stay out all night without calling her, and she lets you have it, then you’re setting yourself up for disaster. This is a situation that nobody would let slide - not even “The 1”.  We are about to get into the final 3, but even though this is #4, if she has this quality, she is even closer to being “The 1”

3. She Gets Along With Your Friends and Family

”The One” will not only help your mom in the kitchen, listen to your dad’s stories and hang out with your friends, but she will enjoy it. She’ll make a real effort to get to know and love the most important people in your life. And she won’t try to get you to ditch your best buds. She’ll actually empathize with your brother’s getting dumped and suggest that you guys take him out to cheer him up. Not only that, but your friends won’t roll their eyes and moan when you mention that she’ll be joining you guys when she gets off work (yes, women like this do exist).

2. She Loves You

If you have found a woman who loves you for who you really are and not who you pretend or try to be sometimes, you should definitely hang on to her. A woman who doesn’t try to change you is hard to find. Of course, all women have their slightly annoying habits that their mate has to contend with, but if she really loves you, she will be able to cope with these. Another way to know if she really loves you is by observing the way she looks at you and treats you on an everyday basis. If the sight of you doesn’t seem to faze her either way, and she doesn’t really seem to care about what you have to say, she’s either playing very hard to get, or sees you as just some guy. But if a surprise visit or phone call from you makes her light up, there’s no denying that she loves you.  Obviously she must have this to stand any chance of being “The 1”

1. She makes you want to be a better man

Stop making that face… any man who feels he has found “The One” will tell you that she makes him want to be a better man. She doesn’t have to say or do anything; it just is that way. If you suddenly feel bad about how you treated your sister or find yourself trying to get your finances in order, you might want to think about your motivation for doing so. If lighting up her face is one of the most important things on your daily to-do list, and you don’t do anything that you think will make life less pleasant for her, chances are she makes you want to be a better man, thereby bringing her even closer to being “The 1”

Very rare is the woman who has all of these 10 qualities. If you find one who does, then she is definitely a keeper. If you find one who has most, don’t expect to change her, people never change except if they want to. If she has a few of the qualities above, then just keep it moving.

My buddy, Ian McNeice, shares the following for handling rejection.  He says rejection is one of our greatest fears and a fear that can do some of the greatest damage to us. When dealing with dating matters, rejection is a subject never very far away. Being rejected by someone makes us feel small, worthless, insecure and unwanted. We lose our self confidence and want to crawl into our shells until we feel stronger again. We may do something outrageous instead, something on the rebound to exact some from of revenge. That can make us feel better. The fact is, being rejected hurts, whoever we are.Most people like being loved and like being popular. It makes us feel good about ourselves. We sometimes meet grumpy people who say that they don’t care what others think of them and whilst there maybe be one or two who do think that way, most of us hate being not liked. The way we handle rejection though is dependent on many self factors, our childhood, the way we were brought up, our earliest relationships etc.

Rejection comes in many forms, from a partner being unfaithful to a loved one moving out or calling off a relationship for good. Rejection may come in the smallest of ways, from someone making no effort on your behalf on an important occasions to a partner who simply falls out of love. Rejection can be a date who doesn’t show up or a date who says that they don’t want to take things further. But whatever the scenario, of you are on the receiving end of rejection you need to spend some time keeping things in perspective by looking at the bigger picture and relating it to the many positive aspects of your life.

The way we handle rejection is important in helping us keep our self esteem and dignity. When we are rejected we often want to go crazy and blame ourselves for being rejected when the reality is its usually the other person’s problem, not ours. But when we are rejected if we are nice people we can forgive and forget fairly easily and make excuses for the person rejecting us. If we do that we are not helping ourselves. If we are rejected the best thing we can do is to move on, in time.

Being rejected hurts. The person you entrusted with hopes, desires and feelings has turned round and said that they don’t want personal involvement with you. When this happens you immediately move into blame mode. It must be, in some way or another, your fault for being rejected. Maybe it’s the way you look, your shape or height, your hair or lack of it. Maybe the way you acted , the things you said or the things you did that caused the rejection. You ask yourself is there was anything you could have done to prevent it. Lots of “maybes”. These are all natural questions we ask ourselves in the rejection process but they are the things we should try and avoid.

The fear of rejection is a debilitating issue. It stops us doing all the things we should. It stops us approaching the person we really like. Rejection is the curse, confidence is the cure. The way to fix rejection is to balance with confidence building pastimes, activities and thoughts and good times. If you feel good about yourself then you know some truths about yourself too. You know if you are good at your job, if you are organized, well dressed, in shape etc. You don’t need to worry about what other people think about you to feel happy about yourself which in turn means that if a date doesn’t go well or someone simply doesn’t like you then , well , we can’t all please everyone can we. To be exact, the more confident you are, the better you will be able to cope with some forms of rejection.

It is beyond the scope of this brief article to suggest ways of dealing with the feelings of rejection that we feel from the failure of a marriage or long term relationship, from fidelity or major domestic drama. But what is true in most cases is that when we are rejected we will come back stronger than ever, over time. Rejection in many instances moves us into a time of reflection and thought, of new perspectives and inner learning. It is a useful process because it also allows us to learn about ourselves.

The thing that annoys me most of all about rejection when dating is the lack of honesty in people. When someone doesn’t like you they should say so. When they don’t intend to see you again then say so. If they are not going to call then they should admit it. There is nothing more refreshing on a single date that either party being honest and saying that they would prefer to leave it there. When we are lied to, the feeling of rejection is compounded.

Another interesting facet of rejection is that there are people out there who will reject before they themselves are rejected. It’s a kind of defense mechanism. If they feel they are not doing too well, they will dump you, before you may possibly dump them. I know some people who have told me that they have never been rejected or dumped because they always do it first. So keep that in mind if someone rejects you.

I don’t have all the quick answers to this complex topic but I will say that if you learn about yourself, get to know your weaknesses and find ways of keeping your perspective open, your realism levels in tact, your humor great and your confidence bubbling then rejection will wash over you from time to time easier than if you don’t. Looking back on my life, if I were to imagine myself with most of the people who have rejected me, I couldn’t. That is because they were never right for me in the first place.

Latricia

www.latriciabuckner.com

As usual, I was cruising the internet looking for something to read when I came across my latest target. A “women’s only” website posted the list below. Now, normally I’m all for debunking myths. For example I am glad to know that not all Mexicans work as gardeners. It also makes me happy to see that not all black people are in gangs and that all white people are not preppy annoying penis holes. Those myths are a pleasure to debunk. Now, the myths below perplex me. Why you might ask? Well, because I don’t think they’re myths at all. Being a female, I can say with a decent degree of certainty that numbers 1-7 are indeed true.

I know an assload of you women out there swear you are the perfect girlfriend and you’re probably cursing in the general direction of your monitor right about now. Well fuck you, you’re not perfect and neither is anyone else. Lets get on with it shall we?

The Seven Myths Men Believe about Women

Women are never satisfied
Women are high maintenance
Women want to control men
Women are jealous and possessive
Women are too emotional
Women who appear to be strong and competent don’t need to be taken care of
Women want to rob men of their freedom

Ok let’s take this slowly and one step at a time…

Women are never satisfied. Correct!

No, women are never satisfied. If you get a better job, she’ll want you to get a nicer car or a bigger apartment or a larger house. If you have the more desirable accommodations, she’ll then expect you to take her on better (read: more expensive) dates. Oh and don’t forget, the more you make the more expensive your fucking Christmas and Valentine’s Day gifts should be. God help you if you show up with some shitty valentine and a box of chocolates. Hell hath no fury like a woman jipped, trust me. Fuck being scorned; we’re scorned every week when we get a smaller paycheck for doing the same job as the dude in the next cube. Scorn we can deal with, cheap gifts we cannot.

Women are high maintenance. Bingo!

Of course we’re high maintenance. An individual who makes you call them before you go out, expecting a briefing on the activities for the night, is high maintenance. A person who expects yet another call the moment you cross the threshold of your dwelling to let them know you’ve gotten home, is high maintenance. A woman, who makes you plan every date you go on because you are the guy, is high maintenance. A lady that expects you to buy her flowers EVERY time some street vendor comes along to offer his wilted flora is high maintenance. A chick who makes you wait an hour before you can leave the house because she must first paint her face and do her hair and pick out seven different outfits, until she finds the one that makes her look desirable, but not slutty is high maintenance.

Women want to control men. ¡Sí!

If you hadn’t realized by now that a woman who buys you the clothes she wants you to wear, as opposed to the clothes that you want to wear, is attempting to control you, you’re hopeless and you should jump off a tall building. Splat bitch, you’re clueless.

Women are jealous and possessive. True!

What? You don’t think you’re jealous? You’re seriously going to sit there and tell me that, if you and your man were in a bar and some pretty, young thing were sending him drinks or winking at him, you wouldn’t get jealous? Fuck off, Mother Theresa, I don’t buy it. The next time his cell phone rings at 3:00 AM I don’t want to see you flinch or scramble to grab it before he does so you can get a peek at the incoming call. As a matter of fact strike the phrase “that’s my man” from your vocabulary while you’re at it, since you’re not possessive either.

Women are too emotional. You got it!

I don’t see a whole lot of men crying at the movies. I also don’t see a lot of men that break down into tears when a particularly sappy commercial comes on the television. I’ve led a pretty diverse and interesting life and I’ve had the privilege/carry the bane of, having seen a lot of things. I’ve seen a lot and I can report to you, dear reader that I’ve seen ten times as many women throwing hissy fits in the street directed at their significant others than I have seen men doing the same. I also don’t know of too many men that get together and rent movies that are meant to be emotional roller coasters so they can cry in unison. I do though, know a shit load of women that do.

Women who appear to be strong and competent don’t need to be taken care of. [yes I know of is preposition, fuck off] Right!

Well, well, well, you only “appear” to be strong and competent, but really you’re neither. So, in essence you’re deceiving in order to manipulate. Hmmmm, that sounds pretty fucking female to me, but I digress. Women who appear to be strong and competent don’t need to be taken care of. What they need is therapy so they can stop pretending to be something they’re not.

Women want to rob men of their freedom. Oui!

Freedom (n.) - A right or the power to engage in certain actions without control or interference.

-The preceding definition kind of infers independence then doesn’t it?

Independence (n.) - freedom from control or influence of another or others.

Now that we’ve gotten an idea of what freedom actually entails lets continue with our deconstruction of number six.

I’m assuming here that the bullshit website that posted this list of “myths” meant that these are seven “untruths” men believe about women they’re dating not just every woman under the sun. With this in mind, I’d like to delve a little deeper into the meaning and ultimately, the purpose of dating.

Dating (v. tr.) - An engagement to go out socially with another person, often out of romantic interest.

Ok so now that we know the definition of dating we can continue. When we date we go out with someone we like because we’re romantically interested in them and would like to spend more time getting to know this person intimately. So what exactly is the purpose of dating in the long run? Do people intend on dating forever? Not the people I know. Most of those that call themselves my friends tell me that they’re dating to weed out the freaks and find someone they wouldn’t mind sharing a life with. Now, this doesn’t necessarily mean that they want to be married. It just means that they’re dating in an effort to elect the most appropriate life partner. Now, what I hear when they tell me this is: “I’m dating around to find someone I can live with and who I won’t want to choke the life out while they lay sleeping next to me a month or two into the relationship.”

Ok well that’s all well and good, but when you’re in a relationship (married or not) then you have to begin thinking for two (NO boys, you’re not already halfway there, thinking for your trouser snake does not count). What I’m saying is that in a relationship you have to compromise. I’m sure you’ll all agree with me there. Here’s the kicker though: there is no mention of compromise in the definitions of freedom or independence. I’m guessing it’s because if you want to be free and independent then it would be counterproductive to begin compromising. So, if you want to be in a relationship with a woman than you better learn to fucking compromise now. If you’re looking for freedom and independence, go read the Declaration at the National Archives because you’re not going to find it in a woman who’s ass-deep in a “relationship.”

That’s right I said it, as women we’re all of the above. I’m not excluding myself because I already know I’m crazy and deranged, but guess who got me this way? Yup, a man, so don’t be so quick to high five each other you misogynistic fucks. You dudes are just as fucked as we are. Remember, in Penguin Territory, no one is safe.

Bitchesssssssssssssssss.

Dana Peach, M.A., M.Ed offers her tips and tricks for meeting and greeting folks in social settings.  I call this piece…FLIRTING 101.  We’re taking it back to the basics for you.  Enjoy! 

WOULD YOU like to know how to increase your success in connecting with strangers of the opposite sex? Numerous research studies across several disciplines confirm what thoughtful observation shows us about how men and women make their first, unmediated contacts in public. There is a recognizable sequence of behavioral steps by which two people can escalate their level of knowledge and social intimacy.

Although this sequence can also be observed in studies of animal behavior, and many elements are common across cultures, the following elements of flirtation describe behaviors particularly relevant to Western culture.

The Core Courtship Sequence described below consists of a series of behavioral overtures, made by either a woman or a man, which represent escalations in acceptance and social intimacy. At each point, one of the people engaged in the sequence can derail the entire sequence, and there are reasons for the derailment and specific stop-and-go signals to indicate that “the mission is aborted”. You can learn to understand and respond to those signals and become more skilled - and more comfortable - with them.

You can learn to flirt with more joy and success than you are experiencing now.

The Approach

One person approaches the other or moves to be in closer physical proximity to another. This much is clear: no approach equals no possibility of initiating contact.

Example: A woman sits down next to a man in a coffee shop or a man stands near a woman in a dance club.

The Acknowledgment

The person who has been approached signals awareness and acceptance of the other’s presence in some way. This signal is not like a train whistle, however, but a subtle body language which you can learn to recognize. For example, he or she simply may look up, move over to make room, nod slightly, or signal with a glancing eye contact.

A display of total obliviousness to the one who is approaching generally indicates lack of interest in pursuing the sequence further at this point. Unless the approaching person can show some sort of an acknowledgment of some kind, the sequence will undoubtedly fail at this point.

The Verbal Exchange

The two people may then engage in a mild verbal exchange about impersonal, unimportant matters such as the weather or the scene around them. Mild.

This is the classic place for the clever “line”, but cleverness is not required. At this point, a verbal exchange is not for the purpose of sharing valuable insights about life or determining philosophical compatibility. It is just a vehicle to further the developing contact.

Examples: Verbal overtures might include anything from “please pass the pickles” to “you look very pretty”, to “have you seen the waitress?”. Without some form of verbal response, it is highly unlikely that the next step will occur.

Physical Re-Orientation

Over a period of time, a couple that has begun to talk may also begin to orient themselves physically to one another, to turn toward one another until, if all is goes well, until they are fully facing one another.

This step can take minutes or hours . . . or weeks or months . . . to achieve. Yet, without this physical reorientation toward one another, not very much can happen, so give up on people who turn their back toward you persistently and for long periods!

Touching

The woman or the man (most often the woman) touches the other in a light, fleeting way. Examples: A couple might accidently brush their hands against one another while reaching for a drink, or the woman might pat the man on the arm in the middle of a shared joke. The exchange of very subtle, almost glancing touches may continue for some while, and if all goes well, can escalate into the casual affections shown by couples who are dating.

Synchrony!

If all goes well to this point, a couple may begin to mirror one another’s movements imperceptibly, to move their limbs or their heads in synchrony with one another, eventually to proceed to a close, face-to-face conversation, or even a full body synchrony which much resembles - and may actually be - dancing.

Whatever length of time involved, when full synchrony has been achieved, the approach sequence can be said to have successfully evolved into the possibility of an involvement. At this point, it would make sense to ask for A Date.

These behavioral steps do not represent a social script, but a creative process which can develop between a man and a woman.

Each stage involves an overture to escalate knowledge and intimacy which may or may not be accepted. It is very difficult to bypass any of these steps. In fact, trying to rush or to bypass these levels of acceptance is the primary factor in derailing the whole process.

Generally speaking, it is the woman who is the gatekeeper of each escalation point, so to speak. For a variety of reasons (which I will be happy to explore elsewhere), it is the female side of the couple who determines what the appropriate response to each overture will be.

The rapidity and ease with which the signals flow back and forth between the participating parties is a direct function of what some people refer to as “physical chemistry”. This means, among other things, that the elusive factor of physical chemistry has a distinct behavioral component to it which can be rationally understood and acted upon with a greater sense of confidence.

One critical factor which cries out for understanding is that the entire sequence begins . . . can only begin . . . with an action which constitutes an Approach.

If there is no Approach, there is no possibility of detecting that Magical Chemistry. By its nature, “chemistry” has to do with how two people interact, hence it cannot be ascertained from a distance. Anyone who intends to mate with ecstatic success needs to increase their range of choice by connecting with more potential mates. That obviously means making and acknowledging more Approaches in order to initiate flirtation sequences which may lead . . . somewhere.

Now you know, as you probably already intuited, what actually happens in a flirtatious first contact. Do not waste time in the future pretending that you just cannot figure out what is going on when you meet a new person.

Latricia

www.latriciabuckner.com

It’s pretty inevitable that, at some point, you and your sweetie will go toe-to-toe on an issue. Unfortunately, when you find yourself in the wrong, it isn’t always easy to admit it. This doesn’t mean, however, that it has to stay that way. If you’ve found your way into the “dog house,” try using a few of the ideas below to make your way out. Even if you are not the one in the wrong, it’s good to remember that a sincere gesture can go a long way.

• Take an old sheet and write “I’m Sorry!” across it using a large tipped felt pen or marker. Hang it up somewhere your partner will see it, like the shower, garage door or a wall.
• Write a note explaining your feelings. Break any tension by putting the note inside of a humorous “I’m Sorry” card.
• Write out “I’m Sorry” using little Hershey’s Kisses or rose petals.
• Write “I’m Sorry” on quite a few sticky notes and leave them all over the room, or on your partner’s car.
• Hire a singing telegram person to sing an “I’m Sorry” message to your partner.
• Order flowers and include an “I’m Sorry” note.
• Give your partner a big hug and kiss, and tell them you are sorry!