Q: I have been dating Ed off and on for the past 3 years . We dated for a year and broke up over a misunderstanding. We ultimately reconciled but by that time I was involved in another relationship. He and I remained very close friends and once my relationship with the other man ended, we began ‘dating’ again. I admit, we never officially have gotten back together, but for the last year and half, I spent holidays, birthdays, and many, many evenings with him. In my mind we are together, though it may not be official. Ed is my ideal man, smart, funny, spiritual, loving and I can see myself marrying him one day. He says we are soul-mates and I believe that we are. As wonderful as he is, I am incredibly frustrated by this situation. I want to be in an exclusive committed relationship with him. I have been patient and maintained this casual dating arrangement with him, but I would like more. I have tried to have the conversation with him about us, and having a future together. He either avoids the topic all together or responds that he cannot predict the future but will never exclude the possibility of being in a committed relationship with me. I can’t understand how I can be his soul-mate but he be so ambivalent about having a committed relationship with me. Am I missing something, do we have a future together? Should I move on? - K.C.
A: K.C., it appears that you care immensely about Ed and want this relationship to work. It has to be frustrating having your ideal man in your life, but not having access to him [emotionally]. Reality is never a delightful companion to relationships, but is a necessary attribute of successful relationships. In spite of how much you love him and believe that he is your soul-mate, you have to consider the facts of the situation:
Fact #1: You are currently in what I would call a pre-committed relationship (casual dating). It appears that your desire is to transition your pre-committed relationship to a committed relationship(becoming a couple). The frustration that you are experiencing may be due to the fact that you are alone in attempting to do this. Ed does not appear ready and/or wanting to make this transition and ultimately stalls the process by avoiding the topic of becoming a committed couple. We cannot speculate as to the root of Ed’s trepidation but it does bring me to:
Fact #2: You stated that, “we never officially have gotten back together, but for the last year and a half, I spent holidays, birthdays and many, many evenings with him.” The allure of a committed relationship has been fed by the emotion associated with spending intimate days together , exacerbated by sex and fueled by the romantic tenets elicited from these both . If you were to step back from the emotion of this relationship would this be your ideal arrangement? You have already answered that with no, as you are seeking a committed relationship and no longer wish to casually date.
Fact #3: You have a vision for this relationship. You stated that you saw yourself marrying Ed, your ideal-mate. I encourage you to spend time identifying where you are in life emotionally and envision your ideal relationship. How would you feel? What behaviors comprise the relationship (e.g. open communication)? What qualities, characteristics, values, etc. would your partner have in this relationship? Upon this act of self-exploration and expectation, you may find an incongruency between your perception of your ideal mate and your vision for an ideal relationship.
K.C., the decision is 100% yours as to how you wish to further handle your relationship with Ed. Know what you want from a partner and relationship and set about fulfilling your vision for a successful, loving and committed relationship. Whichever decision you make, ensure that it allows for you to experience the best of both life and love.
Be blessed, love life and live free,
Latricia
www.latriciabuckner.com
A: K.C., it appears that you care immensely about Ed and want this relationship to work. It has to be frustrating having your ideal man in your life, but not having access to him [emotionally]. Reality is never a delightful companion to relationships, but is a necessary attribute of successful relationships. In spite of how much you love him and believe that he is your soul-mate, you have to consider the facts of the situation:
Fact #1: You are currently in what I would call a pre-committed relationship (casual dating). It appears that your desire is to transition your pre-committed relationship to a committed relationship(becoming a couple). The frustration that you are experiencing may be due to the fact that you are alone in attempting to do this. Ed does not appear ready and/or wanting to make this transition and ultimately stalls the process by avoiding the topic of becoming a committed couple. We cannot speculate as to the root of Ed’s trepidation but it does bring me to:
Fact #2: You stated that, “we never officially have gotten back together, but for the last year and a half, I spent holidays, birthdays and many, many evenings with him.” The allure of a committed relationship has been fed by the emotion associated with spending intimate days together , exacerbated by sex and fueled by the romantic tenets elicited from these both . If you were to step back from the emotion of this relationship would this be your ideal arrangement? You have already answered that with no, as you are seeking a committed relationship and no longer wish to casually date.
Fact #3: You have a vision for this relationship. You stated that you saw yourself marrying Ed, your ideal-mate. I encourage you to spend time identifying where you are in life emotionally and envision your ideal relationship. How would you feel? What behaviors comprise the relationship (e.g. open communication)? What qualities, characteristics, values, etc. would your partner have in this relationship? Upon this act of self-exploration and expectation, you may find an incongruency between your perception of your ideal mate and your vision for an ideal relationship.
K.C., the decision is 100% yours as to how you wish to further handle your relationship with Ed. Know what you want from a partner and relationship and set about fulfilling your vision for a successful, loving and committed relationship. Whichever decision you make, ensure that it allows for you to experience the best of both life and love.
Be blessed, love life and live free,
Latricia
www.latriciabuckner.com