Mama Drama
Q: I’ve dated the same man for the past 3 years and we plan to marry within the next two years. Our relationship is great except for the fact that I can’t stand his mother! He and I are currently working in two different cities, so we very much enjoy the opportunities we have to spend time together. Though I can’t wait to see him for Thanksgiving, I am dreading having to visit with his mother. She is the rudest and meanest person I have ever met in my life! During their family reunion this past summer, she told me “I did not know how to love a black man,” because I am bi-racial, my father is white. Even though my parents divorced when I was young and was raised by both my dad and step-dad who is black. She also in the same conversation, said that “my son was never going to marry me because if he was, he would have done it by now.” Not knowing that he and I both have professional goals we want to accomplish before thinking about marriage.
She has been like this our entire relationship. Fortunately, I have not had to spend much time with her because he and I have lived away from home our entire relationship and we only come home for Holidays . But he’s finishing his residency and we are thinking about cities to live and raise a family. We’re both happy with the thought of returning back home to Virginia. As much as I would love to be back home with him and my family I get so angry, and depressed at thinking of having to be in the same city as her. I know he would stand up for me, he’s done it in the past, but that creates a wedge between him and her which only fuels her anger towards me. I just don’t feel like dealing with this the rest of my life. I love him very much and want to marry him, but I can’t do Thanksgiving dinner with this woman let alone the rest of my life. Is there anything I can do to make this situation better?
A: Have you ever heard of the phrase, ‘You can’t marry Jeb without getting the Clampetts?’ Well, unfortunately in this particular situation marrying your boyfriend would surely mean that you would take on not only his family name but also his family issues. And the primary issue appears, from my perspective, to be that you have unknowingly entered into a passive-aggressive war between mother and son.
I can only imagine how frustrating this is for you, however you must realize several key points here, primarily, this is not about you. The fact that you stated, “…he would stand up for me…but that creates a wedge between him and her which only fuels her anger towards me,” suggests that her frustration and anger towards him comes directly out to you in the way of not-so-subtle put downs and innuendoes. Apparently she finds it easier to vent her angst to you rather than him, why is that?
Have you talked to your husband-to-be about the history of this relationship? Where does the anger stem from? Have they tried to move past whatever issue is perpetrating this conflict? Does either care to resolve it? Why or why not? Does either recognize that there is a problem!? These are questions that you will want to use to have a very hard conversation with him about your fears and frustrations about returning to Virginia and the strain it may cause for your relationship. Make sure your discussion is conversational, not confrontational and honest. Share your thoughts, perceptions and feelings about the situation and under no circumstances disrespect his mother. Though she may be many things, and not all are positive, she is still his mother and we know we cannot disrespect a black man’s mama! (smile)
By openly and warmly sharing your feelings with him you are putting the ball in his court. He becomes aware of the extent of the situation, he becomes aware of hurt and anger you feel, it becomes his time to act and seek resolution. This may take time as it took time for these issues to grow and manifest between mother and son. Be patient, as it will be worth your while in the long run for your hubbie-to-be to resolve his past before moving towards a future with you.
Be blessed, live free and love more,
Latricia