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Posted ( Latricia Buckner) in Dating on February-26-2007 |
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Believe it or not, as a Relationship Coach, I get this question a lot. For many people sparking up conversation with a complete stranger can be a daunting task. And let’s face it…usually first dates are with folks we know very little about which can add additional pressure. Though I teach my clients how to reduce this anxiety by having a solid game plan, I found a cute article that I thought I’d share. Here you will some good tips and as always, email me if you have any questions, comments, or want additional info.
You’re never too old for a first date. From young ‘uns meeting in city bars, to the older folks swooning each other at bingo halls, dating is a part of life. While great things come along with dating (wink, wink, nod, nod), not everything is smooth sailing. Oftentimes, dates can be uncomfortable, particularly when they are first dates. Perhaps the biggest date deal-breaker of all - other than a kidnapping attempt or a murder confession - is the dreaded uncomfortable silence, the cessation of conversation as crickets start chirping in the background. Because of the fear of this, people on first dates often exhibit a sense of unrest, and a desperation to keep the conversation going even if they have to start singing show tunes.However, this fear is often exaggerated and, with a few tricks, a first date can be as comfortable as speaking to someone you’ve known for years, or at least a few months.
Pick a Good Place
Meeting at a café or a restaurant may be fine, but a lot of times this can add to the pressure of having the entire evening fall on the shoulders of the dating duo. Because these places have little on which the couple to focus, or use as a conversation piece, they can be more uncomfortable than places where conversation may be added by outside forces. Going to a movie or a play, on the contrary, restricts the conversation too much, with people shushing you as you turn to your date and ask, “So where are you from?” Instead, try doing something that allows for both conversation and external activity such as going golfing, going to see a live band, going bowling, or going to a museum.
Ask Questions
People on first dates have an advantage: they essentially know very little about each other. This gives them the ability to keep the conversation going and develop commonalities by asking questions. From inquiring about where a person is from, to asking about movies and music, there is a plethora of questions for the asking. While certain questions should be avoided - asking about religion, asking about politics, asking for their credit card number - most questions are both fair game and the key to getting a second date.
Be Yourself
Sure, it’s the oldest cliché in the Book of Love, but it’s also one of the truest. Uncomfortable first dates are often marked with the two respective parties trying too hard to impress the other. Boasting about being an accomplished hand model or how a college dissertation on seahorses received the highest marks might seem like it will make an impression, but it might be of the wrong kind. Instead of trying to captivate your date with a resume of your life’s greatest accomplishments, simply be relaxed and be yourself.
Dating is a hard thing to do. It’s time consuming, frustrating, and enough to make some people long for the days of arranged marriages. However, it’s part of life, a part we deal with one day, or one date, at a time.
Keeping a few things in mind can be the difference between an uncomfortable date, and a date full of contentment. No matter how it goes, returning home to a Natural Latex mattress can either soothe your dating woes, or reward you for a date well done. With breathable material that conforms to your body, keeping you engulfed in comfort and calming temperatures, a Natural Latex mattress can give the great night’s rest you need to tackle the dating world. And, if the date goes extremely well, a Natural Latex mattress can always be used for something other than sleeping.
| About The Author
Jennifer Marie Jordan is a senior editor for www.foamsource.com. When she isn’t sleeping on a FoamSource mattress, she concentrates on living as comfortably as possible. |
Latricia
www.latriciabuckner.com
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Posted ( Latricia Buckner) in General on February-19-2007 |
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Q: I have been dating Ed off and on for the past 3 years . We dated for a year and broke up over a misunderstanding. We ultimately reconciled but by that time I was involved in another relationship. He and I remained very close friends and once my relationship with the other man ended, we began ‘dating’ again. I admit, we never officially have gotten back together, but for the last year and half, I spent holidays, birthdays, and many, many evenings with him. In my mind we are together, though it may not be official. Ed is my ideal man, smart, funny, spiritual, loving and I can see myself marrying him one day. He says we are soul-mates and I believe that we are. As wonderful as he is, I am incredibly frustrated by this situation. I want to be in an exclusive committed relationship with him. I have been patient and maintained this casual dating arrangement with him, but I would like more. I have tried to have the conversation with him about us, and having a future together. He either avoids the topic all together or responds that he cannot predict the future but will never exclude the possibility of being in a committed relationship with me. I can’t understand how I can be his soul-mate but he be so ambivalent about having a committed relationship with me. Am I missing something, do we have a future together? Should I move on? - K.C.
A: K.C., it appears that you care immensely about Ed and want this relationship to work. It has to be frustrating having your ideal man in your life, but not having access to him [emotionally]. Reality is never a delightful companion to relationships, but is a necessary attribute of successful relationships. In spite of how much you love him and believe that he is your soul-mate, you have to consider the facts of the situation:
Fact #1: You are currently in what I would call a pre-committed relationship (casual dating). It appears that your desire is to transition your pre-committed relationship to a committed relationship(becoming a couple). The frustration that you are experiencing may be due to the fact that you are alone in attempting to do this. Ed does not appear ready and/or wanting to make this transition and ultimately stalls the process by avoiding the topic of becoming a committed couple. We cannot speculate as to the root of Ed’s trepidation but it does bring me to:
Fact #2: You stated that, “we never officially have gotten back together, but for the last year and a half, I spent holidays, birthdays and many, many evenings with him.” The allure of a committed relationship has been fed by the emotion associated with spending intimate days together , exacerbated by sex and fueled by the romantic tenets elicited from these both . If you were to step back from the emotion of this relationship would this be your ideal arrangement? You have already answered that with no, as you are seeking a committed relationship and no longer wish to casually date.
Fact #3: You have a vision for this relationship. You stated that you saw yourself marrying Ed, your ideal-mate. I encourage you to spend time identifying where you are in life emotionally and envision your ideal relationship. How would you feel? What behaviors comprise the relationship (e.g. open communication)? What qualities, characteristics, values, etc. would your partner have in this relationship? Upon this act of self-exploration and expectation, you may find an incongruency between your perception of your ideal mate and your vision for an ideal relationship.
K.C., the decision is 100% yours as to how you wish to further handle your relationship with Ed. Know what you want from a partner and relationship and set about fulfilling your vision for a successful, loving and committed relationship. Whichever decision you make, ensure that it allows for you to experience the best of both life and love.
Be blessed, love life and live free,
Latricia
www.latriciabuckner.com
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I am currently dating three different men, who each bring something very different to the table. Guy #1 is simply wonderful, he and I make a great team, never argue, and I am very content with him. Guy #2 is passionate about life and I love that about him, he ignites passion within me and brings out a fun, spontaneous and adventurous side. Guy #3 is convenient. He is a nice guy and can be fun to hang around. He is so available, which I like because the other two are very busy and always don’t give me the time that I need. That’s when I call Guy #3 and without fail, he’s ready to spend time with me.
I have enjoyed dating these guys but am ready to settle down. Do you have any advice on how to know which guy would be the best choice to date exclusively? Any advice would be appreciated? - Jasmine
Jasmine, without knowing the answers to the many questions swirling around in my mind, I offer you this suggestion: understand yourself before committing yourself to any of the above men. It appears that these three men, bring out very unique qualities within you, in fact stimulate three very unique sides of you.
Have you made a list of all the qualities and characteristics that you want in a mate? If you have not, I encourage that you create the list ASAP! The list will serve as your checklist for when you meet/and or decide to pursue a relationship with someone. Once you make that list, prioritize the qualities and characteristics in the order that they are most important to you.
For example, you wrote that you like Guy #1 partly because you feel “content” with him, yet you “love” the fact that Guy #2 is passionate and makes you feel passionate spontaneous, and adventurous. What that suggests to me is you have the capacity to be comfortable with a person, however enjoy variety and adventure. Assuming you could only have one or the other, which is more important feelings of contentment or variety and spontaneity?
Finally, it is obvious that attention and time are very important to you as evidenced by your reliance on Guy #3 solely for the purpose of providing that to you. Make sure that you exemplify the qualities you seek in a mate less you find yourself using your partner to meet needs that you yourself cannot meet. Hence, my advice again is, date yourself first, get to know you and in doing that, you will have clarity as to which man, if any would be a good partner for you.
Be blessed, live free and love more,
Latricia
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Q: I’ve dated the same man for the past 3 years and we plan to marry within the next two years. Our relationship is great except for the fact that I can’t stand his mother! He and I are currently working in two different cities, so we very much enjoy the opportunities we have to spend time together. Though I can’t wait to see him for Thanksgiving, I am dreading having to visit with his mother. She is the rudest and meanest person I have ever met in my life! During their family reunion this past summer, she told me “I did not know how to love a black man,” because I am bi-racial, my father is white. Even though my parents divorced when I was young and was raised by both my dad and step-dad who is black. She also in the same conversation, said that “my son was never going to marry me because if he was, he would have done it by now.” Not knowing that he and I both have professional goals we want to accomplish before thinking about marriage.
She has been like this our entire relationship. Fortunately, I have not had to spend much time with her because he and I have lived away from home our entire relationship and we only come home for Holidays . But he’s finishing his residency and we are thinking about cities to live and raise a family. We’re both happy with the thought of returning back home to Virginia. As much as I would love to be back home with him and my family I get so angry, and depressed at thinking of having to be in the same city as her. I know he would stand up for me, he’s done it in the past, but that creates a wedge between him and her which only fuels her anger towards me. I just don’t feel like dealing with this the rest of my life. I love him very much and want to marry him, but I can’t do Thanksgiving dinner with this woman let alone the rest of my life. Is there anything I can do to make this situation better?
A: Have you ever heard of the phrase, ‘You can’t marry Jeb without getting the Clampetts?’ Well, unfortunately in this particular situation marrying your boyfriend would surely mean that you would take on not only his family name but also his family issues. And the primary issue appears, from my perspective, to be that you have unknowingly entered into a passive-aggressive war between mother and son.
I can only imagine how frustrating this is for you, however you must realize several key points here, primarily, this is not about you. The fact that you stated, “…he would stand up for me…but that creates a wedge between him and her which only fuels her anger towards me,” suggests that her frustration and anger towards him comes directly out to you in the way of not-so-subtle put downs and innuendoes. Apparently she finds it easier to vent her angst to you rather than him, why is that?
Have you talked to your husband-to-be about the history of this relationship? Where does the anger stem from? Have they tried to move past whatever issue is perpetrating this conflict? Does either care to resolve it? Why or why not? Does either recognize that there is a problem!? These are questions that you will want to use to have a very hard conversation with him about your fears and frustrations about returning to Virginia and the strain it may cause for your relationship. Make sure your discussion is conversational, not confrontational and honest. Share your thoughts, perceptions and feelings about the situation and under no circumstances disrespect his mother. Though she may be many things, and not all are positive, she is still his mother and we know we cannot disrespect a black man’s mama! (smile)
By openly and warmly sharing your feelings with him you are putting the ball in his court. He becomes aware of the extent of the situation, he becomes aware of hurt and anger you feel, it becomes his time to act and seek resolution. This may take time as it took time for these issues to grow and manifest between mother and son. Be patient, as it will be worth your while in the long run for your hubbie-to-be to resolve his past before moving towards a future with you.
Be blessed, live free and love more,
Latricia
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